


The Voice on the Radio

by pseudofoucault333



Series: The Ole Bandom fics :) [3]
Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Music & Bands, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fame, Family Drama, Family Member Death, Food Kink, Infidelity, M/M, Radio, Songfic, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-16
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 00:49:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudofoucault333/pseuds/pseudofoucault333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Jon is a Radio presenter who had just experienced a few blows in his life and needs some one to make it all better. Enter Ryan, a famous musican who has been Jon's idol for some time. But when the two get together will it be a happy ending or will Jon be left with another crack in his already broken heart? </p><p>Written '08 and unbeta'd</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He's in a rock band with a voice like an angel and eyes of a raven sky

**Title:** The Voice on the Radio   
**Author:** **Rating:** R/NC-17 [to be safe]  
 **Pairing:** Rywalk, [mentions of Joncer, Spaley, Ryltie, Bden/OFC, Breltie]   
**POV:** Jon  
 **Summary:** AU Jon is a Radio presenter who had just experienced a few blows in his life and needs some one to make it all better. Enter Ryan, a famous musican who has been Jon's idol for some time. But when the two get together will it be a happy ending or will Jon be left with another crack in his already broken heart?   
**Disclaimer:** I don’t own anyone in this story anymore than I own a single piece of clandestine merch *tear* Title  & cut © Marie Digby <3, Plot mostly based on fiction…i.e not real….but a girl can dream.   
**Author Notes:** Dedicated to **i_am_tre** Happy birthday hun  <3 Hope you enjoy. Concrit appreciated and comments = cookies and Rywalk Smut <3

 

I can remember the first day I met him though for more than one reason. The first because I had been a fan of his music for so long that when I’d been told I was going to interview him I’d nearly fainted. The other was because the day before the interview had been about to go ahead I got the news that my mother had passed away from her long battle with cancer from my brother Mike. I had always had a close relationship with her, so the news hit me quite hard. I had had to take the day off work because I was so devastated. I spent the whole day curled up bed sobbing my eyes out with the phone off the hook.

But the day after I remembered that I was to interview him and made myself go into work despite my boss’ reassurance that he could get someone to cover. But I wasn’t about to hand the chance of a lifetime over to the chick that did the news and would end up flirting with him. I had enough time before he came to get my act together and after a good cry in the toilets I told myself I was going to get through it with no tears even if it killed me.  
I walked out the bathroom just as he arrived, accidently bumping into him in the hallway causing me to turn into a babbling idiot as I apologized even before I realized who he was.

“Ohmigod I’m so sorry, I should watch where I’m going” I apologized, watching his bodyguard help him up by the arm. Though as he got up it only took a glance of his tight jeans for my heart to ache and my palms to sweat. I watched the bodyguard brush invisible dust off his jacket causing the object of my idol worship to sigh and roll his eyes behind his large scene sunglasses.

“I’m ok Zack, you can stop fussing.”

I bit my lip and hoped I could sneak away while he reminded his bodyguard that he was a big boy who could take care of himself. I’d only moved an inch when the musician’s gaze rested on me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you, I swear these sunglasses are a health hazard in their own right,” he smiled; taking the glasses off, revealing those entrancing eyes I had always found myself staring at. I could feel myself blushing as I tried to form a rational string of words together. _Come on Jon, you can do this._

“It’s fine, partly my fault. I’m Jon by the way. I’ll be the person interview you,” I said, trying to push a professional tone into my voice as I offered him my hand. 

“Ah, nice to meet you before you push me into the hot seat Jon,” he smiled, sliding his hand into mine. I barely felt the gentle squeeze, all I could focus on was the way his skin felt against my own. I managed to catch myself before I slipped into fan mode and pulled my hand away breaking what seemed like an electric shock which had been passing between us.

“I should probably give you the grand tour,” I smiled, taking a glance at his bodyguard nervously.

“Just ignore Zack, he isn’t as scary as he may seem,” Ryan assured me, following my gaze and then meeting mine causing me to look down and lead the two of them around. It was mostly small talk from then on. Ryan (as he insisted on being called) asking me what it was like to work for a radio station. I tried to perceive it as boring though he managed to pry some good aspects from me.

I left him in the visitors room, often nicknamed 'The Cage' since if an attractive male came many of the female employees would gather around outside the windows to drool over them, though as I immerged the females had already begun to gather. The whole building seemed to have got the memo about his visit as they all flocked to the window. 

“Guys, give him room to breath before you try to pry autographs from him,” I sighed, standing beside the Boss’ PA Debbie and watching Ryan answer a call on his cell phone. I couldn’t stop myself watching him stop by the window looking out over Chicago, my gaze moving over his figure. As my gaze moved down his back to his ass I found myself licking my lips which I didn’t realize until Annette from Promotions squealed behind me.

“Oh god I think Jon’s got it bad!” she teased.

“I do not! I have a boyfriend remember?” I sighed, watching Ryan begin to pace back and forth.

“Never use that as an excuse not to fuck a musician. It doesn’t work.” sighed Debbie, beside me.

“I’m not interested in anything but his music. Get your minds out of the gutter already.”

“I’m sure Spencer wouldn’t say no to a threesome Jon.”

“You guys watch too much youtube porn,” I said, rolling my eyes as I walked to the studio.

Melinda the weather girl also known as the biggest whore in the building was stumbling over her script as usual leaving the guys who did the show before me to yawn and stare at the clock. There is often a bet on how long it takes her to finish, the longest was her first day. Three hours just to say three sentences.I leaned against the door to the producer’s room and watched Brendon try to speed her up a little.

“How long this time?” I asked.

“Getting close to fifteen minutes. So has Mr. Dreamy entered the building?”

“At the moment he’s sitting in the cage being drooled over.”

“Poor guy.”

“He’s actually pretty oblivious, probably talking to his manager or something.”

“Probably. You going to his show tomorrow night?”

“Are you kidding? The tickets are not only VIP but they cost a month’s rent. I really can’t afford it at the moment.”

“But you’ve never been to one before and now’s your chance!”

“I can’t afford it. Besides Spencer is taking me out tomorrow night.”

“Um hm, sure he is. Is he bringing the Mrs. along too?”

“No. Unless he never wants to fuck me again.”

“Wow good threat.”

“Fuck you Brendon.”

“You know you want to really,” he grinned, looking over his shoulder at me.

“Keep dreaming Brenny,” I smirked, kicking his chair playfully as Melinda finally left the studio. She sauntered off probably hoping to fuck someone in the toilets to get out the frustration of doing a crappy job out. I swear there are only two reasons that she hasn’t been fired it. One because she’s the boss’ daughter and two she’s the head of the station’s little fuck toy and trophy girlfriend.

“You’d better go and get Mr. Dreamy, Lover,” Brendon said, putting one earphone on and doing a silent count down with his fingers for the guys in the studio before hitting the button to light up the on the air sign.

“Yeah….and stop calling me that!” I said in mock annoyance, as I went back to get Ryan. Brendon is one of my best friends at work but despite how we play around he isn’t gay and I’d never do anything physical with him anyway. Though we did get close at the last Christmas party, I can’t remember the exact details but I think I got as far as a hand job. The thought now just makes me shudder, no offense to Brendon.

I made it to The Cage where the rest of the female staff had appeared and gathered around whispering about how hot he is. Perfect. I walked in just in time to see Ryan hang up his cell phone and push the phone into the pocket of his jacket.

“I think we’re just about ready to go on the air. The other show just needs to tie up a few loose ends,” I smiled, closing the door to The Cage behind me so the others couldn’t hear.

“Thank god. I can’t take being drooled over anymore,” he joked, causing me to grin as I led the way out the door, shielding him from grabby hands and lethal pens.

“Ok I’ll just need to do an intro after this song and we’re all set.”

I heard Brendon cough loudly behind me and rolled my eyes. Every time.

“Ryan, this is Brendon my best friend. Brendon this is George Ryan Ross the musician.” 

“Pleasure to meet you.”

“You too Brendon. Feel free to just call me Ryan.”

“So…Ryan did you know how big a fan of yours Jon is?”

“Really? He never mentioned it.”

“Oh yeah. Though he always misses your shows unfortunately.”

I glared at Brendon. Don’t you dare.

“Wow that’s a shame Jon.”

“No big deal. I’m not much of a show person anyway.” I shrugged.

“That isn’t true!”

Another glare Brendon’s way.

“I could always get you some tickets if you want Jon.”

“No. Really Ryan, just ignore Brendon. He has a bit of a disease where he doesn’t know when to shut up. Foot in mouth disease I call it.”

“HEY!”

“I get like that sometimes its fine.”

“Hey lover, the song is almost done.”

I smiled apologetically at Ryan and walked into the studio, putting on the earphones and taking a glance at Brendon who seemed to be chatting with Ryan like they were old friends. Asshole. Anything to get freebies.I then watched him count down and the on air light lit up.

“Hey there people of the airwaves, It’s your bud Jon here to bring you a little musical relief from 10 till 3. But before I put on a song for your listening pleasure we have a special guest sat here in the studio ready to be questioned. Mr. Ryan Ross. Yes THE Ryan Ross my friends. So if you have any questions you are itching to ask don’t hesitate to call in 591-8300. Or if you have your cellphone handy text Q101 and your question to 99161 and of course there is the old email option, Jwalk@Q101.com and we’ll put some of those questions to him as soon as possible. But for now here’s Mr. Ross singing one of my favorite songs Mad as rabbits from his new Album Pretty Odd available in stores now.”


	2. I fell in love with a fool

The interview in all honesty was completely and utterly crazy. Half the questions we got were requests or dates as well as requests for tickets in the form of sob stories. You know the ones where friends want to go but have spent a fortune on his merch. Then there were questions we couldn’t even ask without being censored. Mostly in the form of him turning gay for someone, would he ever make a sex tape with a celebrity and if so who. By the end of the interview I was blushing bright red for being the voice behind the questions. One of many reasons I often regret letting myself get involved in a radio career. It didn’t help that Brendon was pissing himself laughing. Jackass.

“Ok and that finishes our interview with Mr. Ross who will be performing a show at the Metro tomorrow night. So for those of you who know musical VIPS and can afford to folk out five hundred bucks I'm sure you'll have a good time. Let’s finish with another song by Mr. Ross from his new Album Pretty Odd in stores now. Ryan, care to do an intro?”

“This is one of my favorite songs from the album, The piano knows something I don’t. Enjoy guys.”

I waited until the song had started and the on air sign was off before taking the earphone off and letting them hang around my neck.

“You handled that pretty well,” Ryan smiled, running his fingers through his hair after removing his own earphones.

“Yeah, I just wish people didn’t ask such embarrassing questions,” I said, biting my lip and watching Brendon point at Ryan as though telling me to ask Ryan for tickets.

“They are naturally curious is all,” shrugged Ryan, getting up from his seat.

“I guess. Um, Ryan I don’t mean to sound pushy and I understand if you say no but….” I said, partly nervous and partly embarrassed at the same time.

“You want tickets to the show? I had a feeling you’d ask. Being a fan on a limited budget can be a bitch. I’ll put you and a guest on the VIP list,” he said, taking two tickets out the pocket of his blazer.

“Thanks,” I smiled nervously, not looking at Brendon.

“Hopefully I’ll see you after the show?” he smiled shyly, before I watched him leave the studio to collect his hired muscle.

I bit my lip and looked at the tickets spotting something on the back of on ticket. A phone number and a small note in fancy handwriting saying ‘call me’. Whoa talk about unexpected. I heard Brendon knock on the window and hurriedly put my earphones back on.

~xo~xo~

After the show had done I managed to avoid Brendon who seemed to think I’d only got the tickets because he asked and that that entitled him to my other ticket.

“No, I’m taking Spencer with me.”

“Pfft, like Mr. up himself two-timer would want to go.”

“Don’t call him that. He’s allowed to have whatever sexual preference he wants.”

“Not when he’s fucking my best friend and some brunette bimbo he isn’t.”

“Haley isn’t a bimbo Brendon. But if Spencer doesn’t want to go I’ll call you ok?”

I heard him grumbling behind me as I put my bag on and walked out the building only to see Spencer’s dark blue Mercedes sat waiting outside for me which was kinda unexpected. Spencer has been my boyfriend for about a year but I’d only found he wasn’t what he claimed to be recently. About two months ago when I saw him and Haley walking hand in hand and confronted him about it. He explained his bi-sexuality and told me I could dump him if it bothered me that much. 

My heart was in so deep that I couldn’t even consider it. Since then the three of us had gone on dates together and I was often left feeling awkward when they were kissing of making out. Talk about third wheel syndrome. I had told him about it and that had resulted in our first Haley free date. Though as I approached the car and saw the look on Spencer’s face, I knew something was wrong. Knowing Spencer, Haley had probably twisted him around hr little finger so he changed his mind about our date. I paused before knocking on the window causing him to snap out his thoughts and push a smile on his face as I opened the door. 

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to be picking me up,” I said, sliding into the passenger seat as Spencer rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“I just wanted to see you before our date tomorrow,” he smiled, his hand resting on my thigh after I closed the door. I let a smile appear on my face as his other hand rested on my cheek, pulling my lips to his. His lips took control as always prying my lips apart leaving me breathless as my back ached the position I was in. He pulled back to breath and yet his smile as he started the car made me wonder what was on his mind.

We chatted about my interview with Ryan though before I could realize he’d stopped the car down an empty street and was looking me over hungrily. It had been a while since we’d got even close to being intimate. Since I found out about Haley the thought of the two of them having sex was enough to make me not even consider it.

“Why have we stopped here?” I asked, with a look of confusion, ignoring how his hand was moving up my inner thigh and brushing my crotch with his thumb. Sweet heaven on earth there should be a rule against that.

“Why should we deny ourselves anymore Jon? It’s been two months,” He whispered softly, brushing his finger against my crotch and unzipping my jeans.

“Two months for a good reason. For fuck’s sake Spencer stop it!” I said, prying his hand from my anatomy and opening the car door, zipping my jeans as I got out. I slammed the door shut and tried to figure out where the hell we were.

“Jon don’t be a tease!”

“Do you really think I want to fuck my boyfriend whose probably been fucking his girlfriend longer than me?” I asked, turning my back on him when I felt his hand grabbing me through the open car window.

“I haven’t been fucking Hayls Jon I swear.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me Spencer. I’m not so effing stupid!”

“No I’m not lying just get in the back.”

“Are you kidding me? I’m not fucking you in the back of your car!”

He pulled my lips back to his when he got out the car and my back collided with the back car door. His hand worked on the button and zip of my jeans. His finger tips brushing my arousal and as his kiss deepened I soon felt the car door open and my back hit the back seat. My back arched against the seat as Spencer closed the door behind him and straddled me. His hands soon brushed my jeans and boxers down my hips and I could feel nothing else but his skin and mouth against mine. I began to groan as two months worth of frustration seemed to disappear at the touch of his tongue against my length. My resistance seemed to fade into nothing leaving me to become some puppet controlled by lust. I came at least twice in his mouth and both times I felt him swallow but when he soon went back to teasing me with his hand, his lips hovering above mine, though I saw him bite his lip.

“Jon..I need to tell you something.”

“Cant…..it….wait?”

“No, I’d rather remember you like this.”

“What?”

“Jon, Haley’s pregnant.”

I froze and shook my head.

“You...you lying bastard.”

“……you need to understand….”

“We’ve been together a year and this is just the last straw.”

“No! Don’t say that Jon! I love you! You know I do!”

“I don’t now anything about you Spencer,” I hissed, prying his hand off me as I grabbed desperately at the door to open it and get out from under him at the same time.

“Jon!”

“No, you can’t fuck me and hope that will make it all better. Two months I’ve had to put up with being the third wheel on every date but this is it Spencer! I’ve had enough!”

I finally opened the door and pushed him off me as I slid out the backseat. I pulled my jeans and boxers up ignoring Spencer’s attempts of explanations as I grabbed my stuff from the foot well of the passenger seat. Spencer was still calling after me as I walked away to the nearest main road.It was then that the tears began, that I felt that my heart broke in two and my life seemed to fall apart. I stopped at the nearest café and called Brendon.

“Jon. I’m guessing Spencer said no.”

“Not a word, can you just come get me?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Can you get me or am I calling a cab?”

“I’m coming. Where are you?”

“Outside Tommy’s on West Chicago Avenue.”

“Ok but when I pick you up you better tell me everything.”

I hung up before the sobs started and I sunk down at a table burying my face in my arms. God why me?


	3. A light shines off in the distance

I sat at that table for about fifteen minute sobbing my eyes out and ignoring the people trying to get my attention. The staff that came for my order, the other customers trying to get me to pen up and tell them what was wrong. I swear one of them was actually a psychiatrist. I soon heard Brendon’s voice and pulled myself out my chair, approaching the car with my gaze pinned on the pavement as I got into the passenger seat.He didn’t say anything to me and I just let the CD playing postpone the silence and all the inevitable questions in the back of his mind. We soon reached my apartment block that I’d been living in since I moved to Chicago to go to university. It seemed like such a long time ago.

I still avoided his gaze as we got out the car, him letting me check the mail and stuff them into my bag as we walked up the stairs to my floor. I opened the door to my apartment to see the mess I’d left it into that morning. Two empty ice cream cartons sat on the coffee table beside my laptop, the wrappings of a chocolate bar and several used tissues scattered around. My duvet was just where I’d left it, thrown on my couch. I felt him pause as I let my bag drop to the floor and threw myself on the couch, slipping my feet out my shoes before burying myself under the duvet.

“Jon.” I heard the door close and him hesitantly walk towards me as I screwed my eyes closed against the few cushions I’d been using as pillows the day before.

“You can take a seat if you want. Can’t guarantee I’ll be good company.” I murmured, taking the remote from between the cushions under the small of my back and letting my hand take a detour from under the duvet to offer it to him.

I felt him take it and heard it hit the chair in the corner before his fingers laced with mine and I let him pull my body from under the duvet. Concern was painted on his features as I looked at him from behind bloodshot eyes. He sat on the arm of the couch and pulled me into a hug, letting me sob against his shoulder when the tears got the better of me. It was about half an hour before I’d stop crying and was able to tell him what had happened with Spencer.

“That asshole.” He growled, as I rested my head on his shoulder, leaving me to merely nod at his response. 

“No wonder you’re sobbing your eyes out Jon.” He said softly, resting his chin on my head as I let my tear stained eye close.

“How could he lie to me like this Bren? Just so he could fuck me one last time before he told me the news?” I murmured, against the material of his black The Clash T-shirt.

“What can I tell you? You must be good fuck.” He grinned, trying to make me laugh.

“Doubt it. Why else would he have been fucking Haley so much that she got pregnant?” I said.

“Don’t think about it Jon. That asshole isn’t worth your tears or your pessimistic thoughts. At least now you can find someone who loves you and only you now.” He said, brushing my fringe away from my eyes.

“Pfft fat chance.” I mumbled.

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short. You are a gorgeous guy and if I swung that way I’d seriously be fucking you right now.”

“Sure sure, If you swung this way I’d be the last person on your mind. You’d be looking at every eligible guy out there.”

“As if. You know you are the only best friend I would want to fuck. Anyway off that I think you need to be dragged out to get your mind off everything.”

“Like where?”

“Don’t think about it. Just go get changed and let me be the one dragging you out for once.”

“No strip clubs and no sports bars.”

“Picky.”

“I’m serious Bren.”

“Fine. Now just go.”

I reluctantly let him push me off the couch and went to my room to change. Though as I rummaged through my closet I heard one of Ryan’s songs playing and bit my lip as I took the tickets for his concert out my jeans and looked at the phone number on the back I could feel my fingers itching to dial it. No. As if Ryan Ross would want to talk to me let alone even remember me. He probably does the same thing with all radio station presenters that he meets.

“Hey that reminds me. You still want to go to Ryan’s show tomorrow night?” 

“I don’t know.” I said, biting my lip as I looked at the ticket. My finger tips traced the number on the back and I swallowed. _Come on Jon at least save the number on your phone, you’ll regret it otherwise._

I threw the tickets on to the dresser and tried to ignore them as I pulled my shirt over my head and rummaged through my drawers for a fresh one but my gaze kept being dragged back to them over my shoulder.

“Oh come on Jon. His gaze was on you the whole time you were interviewing him.”

“Don’t start Brendon. As if Ryan Ross would want me in that way. I knew for a fact that he had a long time girlfriend.”

“Doesn’t explain why he was watching your hands or sitting closer than most guests do. I mean for fuck’s sake Jon he was persistent about sharing your mike.”

“For God’s sake Bren he’s straight just drop it.”

I didn’t hear another word from him and sighed as another of Ryan’s songs filled the apartment. I finally changed and paused from putting my cellphone in my pocket to put Ryan’s number in my contacts. I pushed the ticket with the number under my pillow and picked up the other. I walked into the lounge and saw Brendon sat on the couch flicking mindlessly through the channels.

“Here. The other ticket’s yours.” I sighed, offering him the ticket and watching him look up.

“You’re going then?”

“I can’t waste a good ticket. Especially if he’s expecting to see me there.” I shrugged.

“I guess. Hey I’m sorry about what I said.”

“Don’t worry about it. I know you’re trying to help Bren but maybe being alone for a while is good for me.” I said, with a forced smile as he took the ticket.

He could probably tell it was forced but said nothing as he stuffed the ticket into his pocket and got up. I turned off the TV and we forced conservation about work as we walked out the building to his car. It was mostly mindless chatter about Melinda’s bit on the side Alex Reece apprentice producer who was often observing Teri, Brendon’s colleague and most recent girlfriend. Though seeing them together had always made me a little bit envious. Bad to be envious of your best friend I know.

The two of us soon arrived at Alhambra Palace a restaurant we normally only went to for special occasions because of the expense. Brendon insisted on it being on him and yet I felt a little bit awkward letting him do that. I leaned back in my seat after picking my usual meal and staring at the décor as Brendon pondered over the menu as always.Though as our waitress disappeared with our order I saw what looked like Ryan’s bodyguard from that morning appeared. No, it couldn’t be. He was probably just here to pick up a take out. 

But sure enough Ryan followed him inside, hand in hand with that of his girlfriend Keltie Colleen, a model or something. Unlike most of Ryan’s fans I didn’t take much interest in Ryan’s personal life. That I knew her name let alone recognized her was a miracle in it’s own right.I bit my lip as my gaze moved to the table, praying that they didn’t spot us, but of course Brendon noticed them and he was inviting them to sit with us before I could even say a word.

“I hope we aren’t intruding.” Ryan said, as though he could read my expression or the sense of dread in the back of my mind.

“No, of course not.” I said with a smile as the hired muscle pulled up thee chairs to our table.

I downed a mouthful of water and watched Brendon force conversation with Keltie about her career leaving me to talk to Ryan.

“So….how are you liking Chicago?” I asked, inwardly clinging at the stupidity of my question.

“It’s pretty good. Me and Keltie were talking about places to shop tomorrow before the show. A slight nervous habit of mine.” He said at the confused look on my face.

“Ah well I could show you around if you want after work.” I said, biting my lip and averting my gaze to my empty plate as I took a napkin and began to rip it in my lap.

“I’d really appreciate it.” He smiled.

I blushed a little and felt a hand on my thigh under the table. What the….? I looked down and saw Ryan’s hand grazing the denim on my skin causing me to swallow and knock my fork to the floor. I bent down to pick it up and saw Brendon’s hand under Keltie’s skirt. Oh fuck.

I picked up the fork and put it on the plate alone with my ripped napkin and got up. I walked to the bathroom and leaned my back against the door of my closed cubicle. I soon heard the main door open and saw Ryan’s shoes under the door to the cubicle.

“Jon?”

I bit my lip and stared at the ceiling, hoping he would go away but his feet remained outside the door. He’s persistent I’ll give him that much.

“Just a second.” I said, running my fingers through my hair before flushing the empty toilet and opening the door. He was sat on the counter and his gaze fixed on me as I washed my hands.

“You ok? You looked pale before you left the table.” He said softly, as I looked in the mirror.

“Yeah just…..needed a breather from your bodyguard and all the attention.” I lied, wiping my hands dry on my jeans.

“You think I don’t know what your friend was doing to Keltie.” He asked, sliding off the counter.

“You knew?”

“Of course. I know she’s a whore Jon but I deal with it because I love her.”

“But does she love you too?”

“She claims to. But she’s yet to prove it.” He shrugged.

I smiled and nodded when I felt his hand on my wrist as I turned back towards the door.

“You didn’t call me.” He whispered, when I looked at him causing a lump in the back of my throat.

“I’ve had things on my mind. Besides what about you and Keltie?”

“Pfft like she would even notice.” He murmured backing me up against the wall near the door. His fingers brushed my cheek and down my neck as I watched him carefully, his other hand on my waist as his gaze met mine. It was like he was searching my soul and letting what he found sink in. Before I knew what was happening his hand was under my chin, pulling my lips to his. My lips opened willingly as my head tilted to let it get deeper and deeper, my arms encircling his waist. How could Keltie even consider cheating on the owner of these lips?


	4. But just a simple melody can change the way that you see me

As he continued to deepen the kiss I could feel my heart pounding against my chest which I hadn’t felt since my first kiss with Spencer. No, this isn’t possible. I’m just a fan for fuck’s sake. Besides why on earth would he find me in anyway attractive? I finally broke the kiss and chewed on my bottom lip as I tried to direct his body away from mine. But his mind seemed to be filled with lust though it could easily be revenge against Keltie and what she and Brendon had been doing. As his hand brushed my crotch like he was trying to make me admit I wanted more. Oh god how I wanted more……NO! He has a girlfriend outside and I’m not about to be fucked by Ryan Ross in the bathroom of a restaurant. I caught his hand around the wrist and shook my head silently since my breath seemed to have completely escaped me.

“Not a bathroom fucker huh?” He murmured, against my neck causing me to swallow.

“We need to go back to dinner.” I managed to whisper as his lips teased my own.

“Sure we do.” He whispered, causing me to groan. Why couldn’t I say no to him? Why couldn’t he read how anxious I was getting? I let our tongues play tug of war for a while before pulling back.

“Meet me later.” He said softly, with a wink causing me to sigh with relief but also groan as the words he’d just said sunk in. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about this. He left me to catch my breath in the bathroom and come to terms with what I had been doing. I couldn’t be with another guy who had a girlfriend. Especially when Ryan told me how much he loved Keltie. I had no right to ruin that and I wasn’t about to put myself in the position where I was about to be used for my body.

I hit my head softly against the wall before splashing water on my face to make me come to my senses.I walked out to see Ryan and Keltie holing hands and telling Brendon about their trips for their last three anniversaries. Paris, Tokyo and New York, planning for Milan this year which in its own right made my heart and conscience scream. Another reason for me and Ryan not to happen.I made myself say nothing but with Ryan’s Free hand grazing my zip, talk about hard.

Thankfully our food came and I was spared Ryan’s touch for half an hour keeping my mouth stuffed with Moroccan wings or water. When the desert menu came after, I was about to say no when Ryan got a mischievous look in his eyes that I didn’t like the look of. He ordered three slices of Chocolate Ganache cheesecake despite the fact I said no and Brendon stuck with his usual Tiramisu damn. Though as the waitress cleared our plates my cellphone rung and I groaned when I saw who it was. I took a glance at Brendon who shook his head, though Ryan seemed to notice the somber atmosphere between us as I pressed ignore and pushed the phone back into the pocket of my jacket.

“Who you trying to avoid?” He asked, looking at me causing me to shake my head, though Brendon of course, answered for me.

“His recent two timing asshole of an ex.”

“Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would cheat on a hottie like Jon?” asked Ryan, though despite the act I could tell he was being serious.

“Not kidding. Apparently this guy loved having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend.”

“So what happened?”

“The girlfriend is pregnant.”

I kept my gaze on the table and heard Ryan sigh.

“He obviously didn’t know what he had Jon.” Ryan said softly, his hand brushing my thigh under the table reassuringly.

“Like I told him but he refused to believe it.”

I sighed when Spencer’s ringtone echoed again and Ryan looked at the screen, taking it from me.

“Hello, Ryan Ross, Jon Walker’s love slave, can I help you?”

I buried my face in my hands; I swear, Ryan is as bad as Brendon.

“No I’m sorry Master is busy at he moment getting chocolate and ice…..can I take a message?”

I watched Ryan roll his eyes and grin at me.

“So the message was….call his ex with the pregnant girlfriend. I’ll see what I can do but Jon might be a bit buy for the next four hour. He can’t control himself when he gets started as I’m sure you know. I’ll try to remember. Ok, thanks for your call.”

I watched him hang up through my fingers and heard Brendon laughing beside me. Glad to know someone find my failed relationships funny. I felt Ryan’s fingers brush mine when he handed m pone back and met his gaze. The mischievous glint was back and I saw him mouthing ‘you owe me’. Fuck.

When dessert arrived Brendon got a call from a pretty pissed Teri, leaving him to take the call away from the table and me to watch Ryan and Keltie feed each other. Talk about overkill much?  
I merely played around with mine, only eating a small piece to stop Ryan’s complaining. After they were done Keltie left for the bathroom, leaving me Ryan and the bodyguard at the table.

“You didn’t eat much of your dessert Jon.”

“I’m not really a sweets person. I mostly prefer coffee to anything covered in chocolate.” I said, leaning back in my seat.

“Me neither but being fed sweet stuff really makes it better. Want to try?” He asked, tilting his head questioningly.

“I don’t think that would work for me Ryan.”

“Can’t hurt to try. Unless you’re afraid.”

I sighed and reluctantly passed him my plate and fork. He played around with a piece before offering it to me. Ok, I have to admit…that is hot. I leaned over the table for the fork but he pulled it back leaving me to keep leaning only for his lips to meet mine. I could taste the cheesecake on his lips and what seemed like a piece sat on his tongue, waiting for me. I let his tongue enter my mouth with the piece and could feel my body aching as the taste of him in my mouth took over. Addictive as any drug. I pulled back to eat the piece and met his gaze. He ate another piece and I swallowed mine.

“Makes it better doesn’t it?” He asked.

I nodded and watched him smile contently.

“Jon, this will seem forward as fuck but at the moment I don’t care.” He whispered, as he took a glance over my shoulder, like he was checking for Keltie or Brendon.

“What?” I asked.

“I want you to come to my hotel room.”

I groaned and shook my head frantically.

“No. I’m not that kind of guy Ryan. I don’t fuck people I barely know and after Spencer I’m not fucking guys with girlfriends.”

“But you owe me.” He said in a sing song tone.

I ran my fingers through my hair but still shook my head. 

“Not when you’re just another Spencer in disguise.”

“Oh please Jon. Keltie gets hot off me fucking guys. Besides I have a feeling she’s disappeared with your friend Brendon.”

“But Brendon has a girlfriend.”

“Probably still will in the morning. Come on Jon…..I’ll feed you in more creative ways.”

“No. I have work tomorrow…..and I have to do stuff at home.”

“No.What you need is to come to the Hotel Allegro, let someone fuck you in a king size bed and get to know you while lavishing affection and attention on your. That jackass ex of yours has made you so unsure and so unwilling to take risks.”

“You don’t even know Spencer.”

“Maybe not. But I know his type Jon. My first boyfriend was just like him, the best way to get over it is just take a plunge every once in a while.”

I looked at the plate and then at Ryan who looked like he knew he was getting close.

“Cheesecake Jon.” He whispered, putting another piece in his mouth. Before he could even contemplate swallowing I’d caught his mouth with mine and pried his lips apart. He tilted his head and let the cheese cake in my mouth. He let me swallow before deepening the kiss a little.I soon pulled back with my heart racing and Ryan’s questioning gaze.

“Ok….."I said quietly, watching the smile on Ryan’s face widen.

“Zack, can you go check on Miss Colleen. If she’s not there call a waitress over to come clear up.”

“But...Brendon said he was paying,” I said, though in my gut I knew he’d done a disappearing act.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered. Another thing you owe me for.” He said slyly, causing me to blush. Oh god, what have I got myself in for?


	5. It's not everyday that I find a person quite like you perfect every way

Ryan’s bodyguard didn’t appear from the bathroom for a while and when he did it was without Keltie. A Waitress had already cleared the table putting the untouched food in a doggie bag and Ryan had paid for all the food leaving me to hold the Styrofoam container with cheesecake and Tiramisu.

“I’m sorry sir I couldn’t find Miss Colleen.”

“Don’t worry about it. She’ll turn up in the morning with a hangover like always,” sighed Ryan, getting up at the same time as me after downing the last of his glass of wine. 

“Are we calling Mr. Walker a cab?” 

“No don’t concern yourself with Mr Walker Zack. Leave that to me, just go hail a cab.”

I watched the bodyguard give me a weary look but do as his client said. I bit my lip as Ryan took the dessert from me with the look of someone who hadn’t got the chance to have his own despite the fact he’d been fed a whole piece of cheese cake. His arm loosely rested on my waist and I let him lead me out the restaurant. Zack was holding a cab and Ryan let me get in first leaving me to sit against the window with Ryan in the middle and his bodyguard at the other side of the whole drive to the hotel. 

I kept my gaze out the window, staring at the closed shops, busy bars and the drunken people stumbling around the streets. I could feel Ryan’s hand on my thigh and squirmed a little despite the fact that my body seemed to be aching. Just to feel his perfectly structured hips against my own. It was hard to stop my imagination from running away from me and to keep my mouth from saying let alone making any noises that would let him know how hot this mere situation was getting me. The Bodyguard got out first when we reached the hotel letting Ryan get out and he dragged me along as Zack paid the fare and followed me and Ryan into the hotel foyer. I barely got the chance to take in the decor as Ryan pulled me along before anyone could see us. In the lift I could feel Ryan’s hand sliding down my wrist and lacing his fingers with mine leaving me to meet his gaze nervously. He gave a sly smile and the lift stopped at what I could only assume was his floor.

Zack opened the door and took his position outside, probably at Ryan’s request, Ryan leading me in and closing the door. When it clicked closed his hand let go of mine as he put the dessert in the mini bar and walked to his room leaving me to follow. He hadn’t been kidding about the bed being a king. My heart seemed to quiver with nerves.

“Take a seat, I just need to get rid of Keltie’s crap for the time being,” he whispered, with a wink.

I sat at the bottom of the bed sliding my feet out my shoes as I watched him grab several designer dresses from the bed and throw them to the bottom of the closet along with her luggage and five pairs of shoes before sliding the doors closed. I felt his gaze move over my body like he was trying to decide which part of me he wanted to kiss and which piece of clothing he wanted to disappear first. The nerves began to build and I could feel my body shivering probably more in anticipation than anything. He sat beside me on the bed and his hand brushed under my shirt causing my eyes to close. 

“There’s no need to be so nervous. I won’t bite…unless you like that kind of thing.,” he whispered in my ear. 

His hand pulled my jacket and shirt off and he met my lips in a soft kiss as his hands pressed on my shoulders. I let myself lie on the bed, watching his lips trace over my torso, his hands rested on my forearms to keep me completely under control. It wasn’t until his lips parted over my nipple and his tongue played with it causing my lips to open in a silent groan that my arms felt the need to move. His teeth dug into the delicate skin like he knew I liked and my back arched, my hands clenching in fists in the sheets. I felt him suck a little before he stopped and I found my body relaxing a little until I felt him blowing over the other. It began to get painfully hard and I swallowed as he blew a little more before licking it so gently. His tongue trailed from his last tease to my collarbone where he then began to bite and suck my neck.

My lips began to buzz at the lack of attention, remaining parted as though waiting for him to kiss me. His lips moved inch by inch up my neck, his hands clasped around my wrists directing them above my head. He crossed them at the wrist but let them go as his lips finally found mine again, giving them all the attention they’d be waiting for. My tongue played with his when it traced my lips yet every second the kiss got deeper I could feel the worry and resolve in my body disappearing. All the emotion from that first kiss seemed to completely come back in a wave of complete and utter denial but my body was trying to cling to that last tiny piece of sanity. That sanity seemed to remain in my jeans, one of the last pieces of clothing left on the part of me that he hadn’t yet got to tease or taunt. Though I could taste just from the urgency in his kiss that that was where his attention would be next. Despite the part of me that knew he’d probably put them up there for a reason. I let one of them rest on the back of his head to keep the attention on my needy lips while the other hands trailed under his jeans, brushing his hips.

His lips moved into a grin against mine and his teeth teased my bottom lip before he pulled back despite my groan of objection. 

“Jon you need to learn a little patience,” he murmured, as his lips hovered above mine, the tip of his tongue brushing over my lips, tracing them and yet his hands worked on the button of my jeans at the same time. 

As soon as the zip was undone he pushed my jeans down my hips and his fingers grazed the piece of my anatomy that held that last piece of reason. Inevitably it disappeared when his fingers brushed up and down my length; his gaze pinned on my face as he watched my reaction. My hips jerked in a way that I couldn’t control and my lips were completely open. It was like he was doing so much more than just brushing against me. Like he was trying to bring me to the edge before I could even contemplate it was right or wrong. In the back of my mind at present that didn’t compute. All I knew was it felt so damned good. Every thing he was doing was more then I had ever felt before. It was like all the boyfriend I’d had before had been amateurs until I got to Ryan. Ryan seemed to define the term professional.

“Jon, do you like this?” he whispered.

“Fuck yes.”

“How about if I did this?” he whispered, for a moment I didn’t know what he meant until I felt the tip of his tongue brushing my head. Oh no. Instead of an answer, a groan immerged from my lips. I could feel his grin widening; I hated feeling that it was amusing him to know how he was affecting me. Yet the urge for me to tell him to just stop and let me leave was gone when I entered his mouth. 

My breath escaped me before I could catch it and I was left trying desperately to push my jeans further down my hips he could pay just as much attention to the rest of my lower body but my hands weren’t co-operating, they seemed to settle themselves on the waist band of his jeans, my fingers looped through the empty belt loops. I swallowed to try and stop anymore groans but as he took more of me in his mouth and my head tilted backwards all I could do was chew my lip. Even then that did little good.

“Oh god…” I found myself murmuring and that seemed to be the password that Ryan had been waiting for. He began to remove my jeans, prying them from my thighs and pushing them down with my boxers and leaving them to slide over my feet. 

His hands grazed patterns on the skin of my thighs, everything else didn’t seem to mater as his mouth kept attention on me yet I could feel him getting hard through the thinness of his jeans. I was aching for his kiss and it was beginning to bother me more than I knew it should. My breathing reduced to panting and my tongue licked my dried lips trying to distract myself from how desperate I must seem to him. His tongue was massaging my entire length and that all too familiar feeling was building in the pit of my stomach, moving further down like he was trying to suck the essence from my very soul. How could he know the right buttons to push with me? That was the only question that seemed to keep the slowly decreasing sanity as lust and passion took over every square inch of my body.

Finally I couldn’t seem to keep myself at bay anymore and a loud groan complete with his name echoed around the room. My heart continued to race as I felt the muscles in his throat contract as he swallowed. I waited until he’d slid me out of my mouth before my fingers slid down the belt loops and laid either side of me. He crawled over my body still fully clothed and met my lips with his, his tongue tasting sweet with the essence of me mixed with his own irresistible taste that I was growing accustomed to. He let the kiss deepen a little as his thighs straddled my lap causing me to cry out in pain as the denim grated bare skin. I watched as he pulled his shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor behind him, his hands grabbing mine by the wrists. He directed one hand to the button of his jeans while he made sure to put the other against his crotch. I swallowed as my shaking fingers tried to undo the button, his lips moving back to mine, teasing my bottom lip between his teeth as he helped me with his jeans.

His jeans and boxers were gone causing relief to flow through me, even more so as his hips were clashing against mine when he laid above me, kissing me again and again barely leaving me enough time to breath. At one point I was sure I’d pass out but he pulled back just in time.

“You liking so far?” he whispered, as his hazel gaze locked with mine leaving me to feel like I was drowning. All I could do was nod breathlessly. He smiled and brushed his lips over my forehead reassuringly.

What happened next seemed to be a blur, all I remember is his lips brushing mine while his hands grazed down my body, gradually rolling me over so I was laid on my stomach, his hands brushing my sides as his tongue grazed up and down inside me causing a weird feeling to flow through my body rooting from that one touch of his tongue Not a feeling of disgust but one of complete and utter heartfelt pleasure. When his tongue moved back up I felt his lips brushing from my waist to the small of my back which only distracted me for a split second until I felt the pain splitting my body in half. 

I bit my lip hard as his hands pinned mine above my head while the pace of his body against mine continued to get quicker and quicker It was something that very few of my boyfriends had ever done and those that had I had begged to stop but with Ryan it seemed enjoyable. It wasn’t pain at the knowledge of being violated but more pain that was so enjoyable I would eagerly beg for more. Finally I felt my eyes roll back into my head and my hands clasped into fists around the sheet as I heard him groan in release behind me. 

My body wasn’t used to the admittance of him behind me and yet I tolerated it as he rolled off me and I swallowed as I turned on to my side to see he’d got up. I hope I hadn’t disappointed him as I crawled under the covers, my body too exhausted to do anything else.

My eyes had just closed for a split second when I felt the bed move underneath me causing me to open my eyes and see him laid opposite me, the two desserts from the restaurant on plates with forks sat between us on the mattress. He pulled the sheets to just cover below our waists as I rested my head on a pillow and let my exhausted gaze walk over his feature as he brushed his fringe away.

“Jon, don’t fall asleep on me,” he whispered, kissing my neck softly as he cut a piece of cheesecake with a fork and offered it to me.

“Sorry.It’s just been a big day,” I whispered, grabbing his hand by the wrist and directing the fork to my lips, my teeth shivering in protest.

“Hmmmm, I can imagine. Interviews till the afternoon…..a break up…..and fucking a musician, Quite a day,” he said thoughtfully, putting a piece of cheese cake into his mouth.

“How did you know about that?” I asked, hugging a pillow to me.

“Brendon, of course. I heard him yammering to Keltie about it at dinner,” he shrugged, putting his fork down and brushing his hand against my waist.

I sighed and heard Ryan hush me softly.

“That isn’t the reason I asked you here though,” he whispered in my ear.

“Then why? Why did you give me those tickets? Why did you give me your number?” I asked, resting my head on one hand as I looked at him.

“Maybe because I could see you needed someone to talk to. Though the tickets were an excuse to see you again I have to admit,” he said, brushing his fingers through my hair.

“But why? Why me?”

He sighed as he cut another piece of cheesecake and offered it to me, eating it himself when I shook my head.

“I’m not one of those guys who likes flings all the time Jon. You need to understand that before you get a bad impression of me,” he said, pushing a pillow under his head.

I didn’t say anything else, just watched him until he spoke again.

“Look, think of it this way. I’ve had to go a lot of dirty things to get to where I am. Most of which I’m not proud of, I’d take them back if I could but then I wouldn’t be me. The me you’ve just fucked,” he sighed, grazing his fingers against my skin.

“You mean you’ve……” I asked, not really wanting to finish the sentence.

“....Fucked and sucked my way to the top,” he said, burying his face into his pillow in disgrace.

“That still doesn’t explain anything.”

“I like you Jon. I like you a lot. I wanted to have some way to get to know you, to talk to you off the radio.”

My mouth couldn’t seem to move enough for me to voice a response and yet I knew he knew what was going through my mind.

“There’s no telling when I’ll be back in Chicago and I could have been too late if I left without this chance. The chance to taste you, to kiss you and let you know how I feel, how much I want you,” he murmured against his pillow, like he couldn’t stand to look at me and see he reaction on my face.

It really wasn’t something I had been expecting to hear from Ryan Ross. The guy I would have sold my let arm to go to a concert of. Now I was laid in a bed in a hotel room beside him, naked, after being fucked like some kind of animal.

“I know. But you’re gone after tomorrow night. What then?” I asked, softly.

I watched him reluctantly look from the depths of the pillow to my face. Yet the look in his eyes told me what my heart couldn’t seem to take. He’d be on a plane to new York fore his next show with Keltie in tow and me, the person he claimed to like, being left in Chicago with another break up, another blow to add to the list of others that I had had to deal with over the past week.

“No,” I whispered, letting my pillow slip from my fingers and fall to the floor, rolling on to my other side despite the pain. Anything so he couldn’t see I was about to burst into tears. I felt his hand on my shoulder but shrugged it off as I buried my face in my hands, pulling the sheet over my head. I heard the clatter of plates and forks behind me being moved and felt his arm over my waist, his hand grazing my stomach as his other hand took the sheet from me by which time my tears were already flowing bitterly down my face.

“Jon, don’t do this to me,” he whispered, as his chin rested on my shoulder, his lips brushing my neck. What else did he expect? I was just supposed to let him continue on tour with Keltie when my heart felt something so strong…..something that couldn’t compare to anything I had felt for anyone……let alone Spencer.I buried my face in the mattress and felt his hand brushing my back, trying to make me calm down.

“Jon, listen to me. I know you feel what I do. Believe me I didn’t understand love at first sight until I bumped into you. But please understand, I can’t give up Keltie, no matter how much I want to and I can’t drag you on tour, you’d be so miserable. Trust me,” he whispered, against my shoulder blade.

“I’d be more miserable without you,” I murmured.

“Don’t say that.”

“No it’s true,” I whispered, turning over to meet his gaze. He bit his lip at the sight of my bloodshot eyes and his hand brushed my cheek, catching my tears on his palm but it didn’t seem to matter. He was drowning in my eyes like I was his and neither of us want it to end. His hand brushed up and down my back as my arms clasped around his waist, holding him as close as humanly possible. I didn’t want to think about losing him. It hurt too much. 

Soon we laid back on the bed close, exchanging the information he wanted to know about me for information I knew about him but hearing it from his lips made it more special. I told him about my family, about my mother’s death which he comforted me about in the form of hard brutal kisses that seemed to give my soul back the meaning that had disappeared when she died. He told me about his own dead beat family but only out of necessity. I comforted him as much as he did me, letting him use my body for relief to help him forget. We talked about useless little facts, what we’d wanted to be when we were kids, our favorite school subjects, favorite bands etc as well as the boring like our first jobs. I told him about my move to Chicago and he told me about his move from Vegas to LA where he spent six months making lattes in Starbucks until he got noticed. 

I listened with a lead stomach as he told me about how many people he’d fucked and sucked just to record a demo, it made me feel sick. He’d lost his virginity in the most brutal of ways and left to think that sex was just a part of business, not a part of love when he began to talk about fucking producers I couldn’t take it anymore and put a finger over his lips to stop him. He seemed to know how it was killing me and pulled me into a hug. Brushing my skin with his fingers and catching my lips in a soft kiss every so often. It was then he began to feed me the cheesecake, passing it between us like we had at the restaurant. Every so often he’d put some cheesecake topping on my shoulder and licked it off making my body ache.

Though as the night turned to early morning I bit my lip as I cuddled up to his body when he turned the light off. His breathing was gentle and I tried to think of what I could do to make Ryan reconsider leaving me behind. I could take him out after the show maybe? No he’d be busy, I know Keltie could want some attention after last night. Yet the mere thought of sharing Ryan with a whore like keltie was sickening. I heard Ryan hushing me in the dark as my body tensed against his, I made myself relax and brush my lips against his collarbone as my need for sleep finally took over.


	6. I would damn near beg for you

The next morning I woke to the main door to the hotel slamming closed and a female’s voice moaning loudly about a headache. Not that she’d care if she gave anyone else one as far as I could tell. I felt the body I was curled up to sigh and kiss my forehead before he slid out of bed. My eyes opened as I heard Ryan close the door. I bit my lip as I heard Ryan and Keltie having what I could only describe as a tiff.

“You left me there!”

“Left you? Wasn’t that was you wanted? I saw the way you were looking at that Jon guy!”

“While you weren’t in anyway after his taken best friend!”

“He needed some comfort that’s all.”

I heard him grab her by the arm and pull her to the bedroom door opening it a little so she could see me. I kept my eyes closed and breathe calmly as I felt his gaze on my barely covered body.

“See that? That guy has been through hell and all I wanted was to let him feel loved for once Keltie. He knows and feels loved. I haven’t felt that from you for god knows how many months!”

“And you think I have? Every state you see some guy, grab him and persuade him into _our_ bed leaving me to watch until I get bored. I bet you used the old love at first sight line on him didn’t you?”

I swallowed and tried to block out what I’d just heard.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Of course I do. You’re gay Ryan I get it. Couldn’t you have just told me instead of making me experience let alone watch you sticking yourself inside someone in a way that is so fucking unnatural.”

The door slammed and more yells continued. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and slid out of bed, collecting my clothes. I heard the bathroom door slam and bit my lip as I heard the bedroom door open as I pulled my boxers up.

“Oh you’re……awake,” he trailed off at the sight of me getting dressed.

“Part of me wished I wasn’t,” I said hoarsely, as I pulled my shirt over my heard.

“You heard didn’t you?”

“What the hell is your problem? Do you have a big black book of lovers all over the world? All heart broken and waiting for your call when you come back to town,” I yelled bitterly, as I stepped into my jeans and pulled them up my hips.

“It’s not like that! Jon please believe me.”

“How can I believe someone who is just a copy of my fucking ex! No fuck that you’re worse than Spencer,” I spat, buttoning my jeans and pushing my feet into my shoes.

“No! Jon what I told you last night is true. Every single bit of it!”

“And in your black book next to Jon you’ll write Naive…..easy and gullible,” I said, tears finally falling and slowing me down. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to go home, curl up on my couch and cry over my life as I tried to figure out were the hell I went so wrong. His hands gripped my arms tightly and through my tears I saw Ryan looking at me desperately.

“No I’d never do such a thing,” He whispered, one of his hands brushing my cheek. I began to weaken but those word that Keltie said echoed in my head over and over.

“I need to go,” I finally said, avoiding his gaze as I put my jacket on. 

He shook his head and my body soon collided with the mattress again, him murmuring no over and over as he unzipped my jeans despite how I cried and begged him to stop. I began to sob as his hands brushed over my hips desperately, his over resting on my cheek as he kissed my lips hard. I began to melt against his touch but my conscience continued to scream, no, to tell me everything I knew. He didn’t love me, so why the hell was I still in there? Why was I letting him stop me let alone kiss me? Yet I began to get quieter and quieter as my mouth responded against his, my body brushing his.

The bedroom door opened and my body tensed as I saw Keltie out the corner of my eye stood with a towel around her torso, her hair sticking to the back of her neck. She didn’t seem at all surprised about what she was seeing like she had seen it so many times before.

“Don’t mind me. I’ll just go get dressed in the bathroom,” she said shortly, as she walked to the closet and pulled an armful of clothes out. She slammed the door shut behind her and I swallowed as I looked up at Ryan.

“I really need to go Ryan. I have work in a few hours and I need to go home and shower,” I said, softly kissing his neck.

“You can shower here after Keltie’s done,” he whispered eagerly.

“No. She resents me enough as it is. Besides I’ll see you shopping before the show right?” I asked.

“Definitely. We’ll come to the station at three,” he smiled.

I nodded and sat up as I buttoned my jeans and got up. His arm rested around my waist as he led me out the bedroom. Towels were thrown everywhere, chairs from the breakfast bar lay on the ground and a few glasses were smashed on the floor. I saw Ryan grimace as he walked through the glass in bare feet and swallowed as I watched him lean against the door frame as he brushed the glass from the soles of his feet.I opened the door and pulled Ryan out into the hallway, ignoring Zack’s presence as I closed the door from Keltie’s bitching. 

“Ryan…..I know you said you ad Keltie were going to go shopping but maybe it could just be you?” I asked softly, resting my hand on his bare chest.

I saw him consider it and brushed my lips teasingly against his neck causing a smile on his face.

“I’m sure we can arrange Keltie to be elsewhere,” he whispered, breathlessly.

“I’d look forward to it twice as much,” I whispered softly, kissing his lips and letting him deepen it willingly.

“We’ll talk more later,” he murmured against my skin before reluctantly letting me go.

I smiled and waved reluctantly as I walked to the lift. I took a glance over my shoulder and saw him cursing as he walked back into the hotel room, complete with glass covered floor. I bit my lip as the lift doors opened and walked back to reality. The ride to the foyer all I could think of was Ryan, all that he’d told me leaving me wanting to stay with him until he left for New York but I couldn’t afford to miss work and I had a feeling Brendon would want to apologize for disappearing last night. He owed me lunch after what he’d done.

I walked into the foyer and caught a cab back to my apartment shivering in the cold as I waited for it to appear. The drive seemed to take less then it had the nigh before. I managed to scrap together enough cash for the fare and walked into the block as a few school kids ran out to catch their bus down the street. I watched a mother run after them and smiled wistfully before checking my mail and going to the apartment. I was surprised to see Brendon sat amongst my duvet on my couch dressed in his boxers watching Kids cartoons as he ate cereal from the box. I sighed and closed the door causing him to look up and grimace.

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t have left without paying but Keltie was so persistent.”

“Ugh I don’t want to hear her name now thanks,” I said, sitting on the couch beside him.

“How many dishes did you have to wash?”

“None, thankfully. Ryan paid,” I said simply.

“Ah so how was your night with Mr. Ross?” he asked as I pulled the duvet over me.

“Complicated,” I said, staring at the TV.

“Huh? How?”

“Well…..we fucked…..he told me a little about him and then told me he really liked me but I’m not going on tour.”

“Sounds complicated. So how good of a fuck was he?”

“BRENDON!” 

“What?”

“I don’t fuck and tell. Besides how was his Mrs.? How did you go from talking to Teri to being fucked by that bitchy Madame?”

“I went to talk to Teri outside the toilets. She was pissed about me missing our dinner date and Keltie just appeared and started kissing me.”

“Ryan wasn’t kidding about her being a whore then.”

“Yeah. We came back here……which I’m sorry for and she left about half an hour ago.”

“And went straight back to her and Ryan’s hotel room.”

“Was she pissed?”

“Inevitably so. For more than one reason. I’m just glad Ryan agreed for us to go shopping without her.”

“It was that bad?”

“She walked in on us making out which seemed to make things worse.”

“She’ll calm down. But from what I could tell she’s going to dump him after his tour anyway. She mentioned some guys she’d been seeing behind Ryan’s back for six months.”

“I’m sure Ryan will find someone to replace her like that.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he calls you after the break up.”

“I doubt it, there’s more Kelties out there. He’ll find one.”

We sat in silence a little longer until the reminder of work set in.

“I’m gonna get the first shower and when I come out you’d better have cleared up your mess from last night,” I said simply, as I got up from the couch.

Brendon sighed but reluctantly began to collect together the glasses and bottles from the night before. I grabbed some clothes from my room ignoring Keltie’s bra and panties sat on the dresser and went to the bathroom. I stripped as the water warmed up and checked my cell phone to see missed calls from Brendon the night before. As I looked through my contacts I grinned at the sigh of Ryan’s phone number. I bit my lip as I opened a text and sent a quick message to him before getting into the shower. Of course as soon as I heard the tone of another message which I ignored until I was done. When I got out I checked it and smiled at his response.

_‘Me too bb. I’m still a little hard. I can’t wait to see you later, my body misses you.  
xo’ _


	7. Beauty emanates from every word that you say

After ensuring that Brendon throw away his mementos of his and Keltie’s night together and lending him some clothes to pass through the day I lazed around watching TV as he rushed around in the bathroom. I barely realized he was done since me and Ryan had started texting back and forth, him complaining about Keltie’s attitude as they had breakfast and me using every flirty text in existence to keep him interested. By the time Brendon was done he was pouting and calling me a tease. We arrived at the studio pretty early, leaving him to find Teri and sweet talk her like always while I stood watching the guys from the show before mine take calls. 

Despite me telling Ryan I was at work he continued to text me, by the time Alex put on a song to give me time to wrap it up I was so close to calling him up. I finally told him I had to go and put my phone on vibrate in my pocket. It was awkward squirming in my seat every time it vibrated against my hip, it was hell to pay on my body by the first break it had vibrated ten times. God Ryan, if he’d been in the studio he could have tackled me to the floor and I wouldn’t have objected to him sucking me off without any problems. It was like that for the rest of the show. 

In the end I put it on the desk in my hand and checked for messages every time it vibrated.  
By three I was worn out and could barely remember anything I’d said to the listeners, though I was grateful for Alex’s many prompts. As he put on a new Taking Back Sunday song I took my earphones off and mouthed ‘thank you’ at him before clearing the studio for Eric and Gemma’s slot. I leaned against the wall outside the staffroom after seeing Brendon and Teri making up on a couch I was so distracted that when I felt a hand on my shoulder I almost jumped out of my skin.

“Oh god. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he grinned, as I turned around causing me to blush.

“My mind was somewhere else. Sorry,” I smiled, as he pulled me into a hug.

“Nowhere less dirty I hope,” he murmured against my neck.

“As if. Let me get my things and we can go,” I managed to say, sliding my hand into his and leading him and Zack to the small space we called a locker room. It was more like a janitor’s closet with enough lockers to satisfy the producers and presenters. Only just.

His arm rested around my waist as I tried to remember my combination. Such a distraction. I finally figured it out and opened the door though before I could reach for my jacket I was slammed against the locker next to mine and his lips caught mine like he’d been waiting to do it ever since I’d left him that morning. Which seemed like months ago. My hand brushed his cheek as I deepened it willingly, like it was a craving I shared just as much as him and maybe in a way I probably had. I pulled back to breath and rested my forehead against his as we both gasped for air. 

“I missed you,” he murmured as his hand grazed my neck, his thumb resting under my chin as his lips brushed mine too softly for my liking.

“I missed you too,” I whispered against his lips, my gaze meeting his and asking him silently to let me go. He pouted as he teased my bottom lip between his teeth causing a groan to catch in my throat.

“Do you want to shop or not?” I asked, though I knew the answer instinctively before he even said a word.

“I’m happy doing this,” he whispered, as his free hand pushed the hem of my shirt up and brushed my ribs teasingly with his fingertips.

“No. We need to go. I’m starving…..for food,” I said, as he raised an eyebrow at my quickly adjusted sentence.

“Ok….well let’s go to Starbucks then….on me,” he smiled, kissing my forehead as my free hand reached into my locket and pulled my jacket out.

“But you paid for dinner last night and I’m sure you have to pay for the disaster Keltie caused,” I said, closing the locker.

“I don’t care. When was the last time someone spoiled you Jon?” he asked, moving away a little reluctantly as I put my jacket on.

“The twelfth of never…….but…”

“Exactly. Now no complaining…you’re getting food and clothes on me,” he smiled, kissing the side of my neck as he took my hand in his.

“If you say so,” I smiled, checking my pockets for everything before locking the locker and letting him lead me out the room. Zack followed behind us like an over protective chaperone watching a school dance, it still made me nervous and that on top of the whispers of staff and I was a wreck of the worst kind.

Ryan squeezed my hand as we left the building and got in a cab, me giving the directions and leaning back in the backseat, my head on Ryan’s shoulder and listening to him talk about what he really wanted to buy me in certain shops. We arrived in not long after he started talking about some new converse sneakers, Zack paying as I led the way into Starbucks. Inevitably Ryan was mobbed by autograph hounds which Zack made scatter with a look before he went to hang around for our coffees wile Ryan pulled me in the direction of two comfy chairs.

“So where first?” I asked, watching him stare out the window.

“Hot Topic and then maybe my friend Pete’s shop on West Newport Ave”

“You're going to drag me to all the expensive stores, aren’t you?” I sighed, taking my Latte from Zack when he finally appeared.

“Of course I am. Not a word, you should taken advantage of the chance while it’s there,” he said with a sly wink, smiling at Zack when he took his frappacino.

I didn’t like what he meant but I hid my objection behind my my coffee, changing the subject to his tour which distracted him for a while until we walked out of Starbucks. I let him drag me into Hot Topic first where he piled some shirts and jean into my arms before pushing me into the changing rooms. Most of the clothes he picked were too tight, making me feel like I was overweight but each time I appeared he’d croon over how hot I looked, his hands always tracing my torso and crotch to prove how true it was. He persuaded me to pick some of the tightest jeans and three shirts which he paid for before pushing the bag into my hand. It continued that way as we walked down the street, my arms and Zack's were soon full before we even reached Clandestine. 

Ryan went to talk to the shop manager as soon as we arrived and I stared at some shirts but when I turned around the shop was deserted aside from me, Ryan and Zack. From the angelic look on Ryan’s face I knew he had something to do with it. I sighed and let Zack take my clothes before Ryan piled more stuff into my arms. He steered me into the changing room before I heard him flit off to find something for himself.I sighed as I pulled my shirt over my head and looked through the pile Ryan had picked out, I was still topless when the interlinked door opened and Ryan appeared. Instinctively I covered myself with my arms and saw him smile shyly as he closed the door behind him.

“You being a slow poke huh?” he asked.

I shook my head in objection and let him pick a shirt out for me. I let him tell me how good it looked but being in such close proximity to him, my body began to get ideas, bad ideas, the type that Ryan shouldn’t be doing in the changing room of his friend's shop but part of me didn’t care.

“You not like?” he asked, at my silence.

“It's a good design,” I said, with feigning interest in the design as I looked in the full length mirror.

“One of Pete's better I have to admit,” Ryan smiled, leaning against the wall of the cubicle.

“So how good of a friend is Pete to you anyway?” I asked, curiously pulling the shirt over my head and taking another from Ryan to try.

“Reasonably good, good enough that he sucked me off for my birthday,” he shrugged.

“He what?”

“He didn't know what to get me. So he gave me those vouchers. That was one of them. I was pretty drunk at the time.”

“So you haven't.....”

“Fucked him? Don't make me laugh Jon. Pete's like my adopted big brother, mentor, best friend and guardian all rolled into one. The thought of fucking him is disgusting. What's with all the questions?” he asked.

“I was just curious,” I shrugged, which he didn't buy.

“No, really? What's going on in that pretty head of yours?” he asked, tilting his head as I pushed my jeans down my legs and approached him,

“How would you feel about fucking in his shop?” I grinned mischievously, watching a look of surprise appear on his face.

“Wow.....I wasn't expecting that,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“Come on I'm sure you've thought about it,” I said, slyly resting my hands either side of him on   
the wall, my lips hovering inches away from his. 

I let one of my hands grab Ryan's around the wrist and slid it slowly into my boxers, my body reacting immediately at the brush of his fingers against my arousal. I watched him lick his lips and his eyes slide closed, yet his fingers began to move of their own accordance against my skin. His free hand rested on the back of my head, pulling my lips to meet his but my legs began to weaken all the sensations he was causing to flow through my body. Yet I still managed to make my lips respond to his, making them open and my head tilt when his tongue tried to get entry. I barely noticed that I was moving until my body hit the cubicle wall, his hand pulling the Clandestine shirt over my head as the other continued to stimulate my lower body. I became a withering mess but he kept my mouth occupied so I wouldn't groan or make any tell tale noises for Zack or the manager to hear.

My body was tensing as the feeling in my stomach continued to build up and while I was breathless I managed to keep silent as my mouth opened to groan. Ryan grinned in satisfaction but he still continued to kiss me as he made my hands undo his jeans and I let myself be persuaded on to my knees, sucking him so desperately though in all honesty he seemed to enjoy it as much as I had the night before. He kept his fist in his mouth so he wouldn't make a noise but his body language gave him away and his essence flowed straight down my throat. He knelt before me and kissed me fiercely ignoring the knocking at the door the first time before Zack spoke. 

“Ryan....Jon are you guys done? The manager needs to reopen.”

“Erm....just about give us a little longer,” Ryan said, in an attempted normal tone as my lips detoured on his neck to give him that opportunity.

“How long?”

“Ten...no fifteen minutes,” he managed breathlessly, as his head tilted back so my lips would graze up and down his throat. Zack sighed from the other side of the door before his footsteps disappeared leaving me to occupy his mouth again.

We soon immerged from the cubicle with some clothes picked out and bruises from hickeys and bites on our necks. I hid mine with a new scarf Ryan had brought me in Paul Frank while Ryan paid for our clothes with his trusty American Express, leaving me to look around as the younger customers appeared and began to hassle Ryan pushing clandestine shirts under his noses. Ryan expertedly dealt with it while Zack stood close by, his presence as intimidating as always.

We soon left the store, his arm around my waist as Zack carried the vast majority of bags that made me feel like I'd been around the world instead of just around Chicago. Ryan was trying to persuade me to go to dinner when his cell phone rang and I saw a look of relief cross Zack's face that they had to go get ready for the show. Fuck. By the way Ryan's smile fell while he was on the phone I knew that was it but tried to pretend it didn't bother me as I started taking my bags from Zack.

“No, we'll get there in ten, have you ordered yet? No? Ok well just get my usual. Yeah....ok....see ya soon.”

Ryan turned to look at me as I tried to figure out which Bachrach bag was mine.

“Don't tell me, you have to go,” I said, still rummaging through the bag for the sight of something familiar.

“Unfortunately. I need to be prepped and stuff before the show. You're still going right?”

“Of course. Me and Brendon will see you after the show,” I promised, finally taking the bag Zack offered me.

Ryan smiled and let Zack hail me a Ccab while I tried to keep a hold on all my bags.

“I hope I don't screw up tonight,” he sighed.

“Trust me you'll be great.....better then great. You'll be perfection personified,” I smiled, watching him blush.

“Glad to know you'll be there,” he smiled, biting his lip as he kissed me quickly as a cab stopped.

Zack bundled my bags into the cab before leaving me to kiss Ryan one more time and get in. I gave Ryan a reassuring smile before closing the door. He waved until we were out of sight and my deeply lust filled mind came back to reality, wondering where the hell all these bags had come from.


	8. you lead your trap beneath the obvious

When I arrived Brendon was sat on the couch talking to Teri on the phone, he might as well live at my place I swear. His eyes widened when he saw all my bags as I threw them on the couch and collapsed amongst them as I tried to figure out what I was going to wear.

“Teri I've got to go. Yeah Jon got back. I'll call you tomorrow before work. No I swear this time I will. Love you too bye,” he murmured, before throwing the phone to one side.

“Whoa where'd you get all this?” he asked, as he began to rummage in the bags for anything of interest.

“Ryan brought me stuff while we were out shopping,” I sighed, batting his hand away from my Foot Locker bag.

“And you're actually going to keep all this?” he asked, with wide eyes.

“I haven't decided yet. I want to just return them when he leaves but they might be all I have of him when he leaves,” I said, wistfully.

“I say you just keep them. I mean, you can't afford half these labels otherwise. Better to live it rich a little,” he said.

“Maybe,” I shrugged, taking my scarf off and feeling his gaze on the marks covering it.

“Oh! Tell me you didn't!” he smirked, as I resisted the urge to put the scarf back on....or cover his eyes to shut him up.

“Didn't what?” I asked.

“You fucked him in a changing room didn't you?” he asked.

I bit my lip and heard him began to laugh.

“Ohmigod seriously? Jon you are desperate even by my standards,” he laughed.

“Fuck you. He wanted it just as much,” I sighed, as I got up and threw the scarf at him.

“Sure he did. Which store was it?”

“Like I'm going to tell you that,” I sighed, as I tried to find something to eat in the fridge.

“Oh come on! I want to take a picture of the cubicle!” he grinned.

“Drop it! You going to change before the show?” I asked, finding some leftover Chinese and throwing it in the trash.

“Erm I hadn't thought about it. I might as well. Can I borrow some of your fancy new clothes?” he asked.

“Fine. As long as you order and pay for some pizza and don't touch the clandestine clothes.” 

“Fair deal,” he smiled, picking a top from Hot topic and some jeans from PacSun before running to the bathroom.

I sighed and just emptied the entire contents of the fridge into the bin. Perfect. Now I need to go food shopping. I sorted out what Clandestine stuff to wear as well as one of my new pairs of converse sneakers and stared at the TV, taking the odd glance at my phone but I'm sure Ryan had turned off his own. Brendon appeared about an hour later. I pushed the phone into his hands on the way to the bathroom and leaned against the counter as the shower warmed up. I pulled my shirt off and turned around to look at my neck. I found myself smiling as I traced each mark with my fingertips, the feeling of his teeth digging into my neck coming fresh in my mind and making me wish he was there to do it again....and again until my entire neck was covered.My shower was short and I stood in front of the mirror when I was dressed, smiling at the result and wondering what Ryan was going to wear.

Brendon yelled when the pizza arrived and I appeared to see him paying and closing the door. I took a box from him and sat on the floor staring at reruns of The Simpsons and other cartoons an sitcoms until it was time to leave. Brendon rushed around trying to find his ticket as I got mine from under my pillow and stood at the door waiting. He finally found it down the side of the couch.

When we arrived at the metro it was crazy. The line outside to get in went around the block. There were a few people without tickets hoping to see scalpers or that their sob stories would be good enough to get someone to hand theirs over. Good luck. Rumors continued to pass up and down the line to keep people amused and upbeat. One was that the person at the front was the mother of Ryan's illegitimate child. When the venue finally opened it was pandemonium as everyone tried to get in as quick as possible. The security pulling some people aside for trying to get past them.

I let them check our tickets and my name and ID before we walked inside. Brendon dragged me to the merch and I let him buy two shirts before we walked in to watch the opening act. Which wasn't that bad, some guy called Butch walker who seemed so good that I made a note to check him out more when we sat at the table. Brendon disappeared to get drinks, leaving me to listen to Butch walker alone, zoning out all the fan girls whispering how hot he was and the usual comments. Brendon came back just as the show was about to start.

The electronics were checking everything and I sipped my drink as that happened waiting until I saw Ryan appear on the stage, the crowd around us going crazy and leaving me to smile to myself as my gaze moved over his figure, his collar was closed covering the bites I'd made but as he sat down on the stool I saw him unbutton his collar, whispers began behind me and my mouth went dry even as I downed a mouthful of watered down vodka.I could see the people behind him getting to their instruments and tuned my gaze back to Ryan sat in the spotlight when I heard him speak.

“Well while the guys get to their instruments, which is kinda hard in the dark, let me take a moment to introduce the first song. It's the favorite of someone very close to me so I thought it only right I use it it to open the show. I hope you enjoy just as much as they do.”

Whispers with Keltie's name behind me got to me a little but I stayed put with my gaze on him as the opening intro to Mad as Rabbits played, my smile widened. Only Ryan. The huskiness in his voice seemed to complete it, every so often he'd brushed his hand discreetly against a bit on his neck like he was remembering the sensation behind a bite being made. I couldn't wait to go backstage to see him and thank him in a way that only I could.

Just watching him get into the role of a musician was like a spell that took over from the inside and shone through his irresistible eyes. The way he acted, trying to get the audience to get more involved. The spell seemed to take control almost instantly as they all began to sing along with him. I could feel my feet tapping under the table against the stool leg. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined his shows to be as addictive and irresistible as every one of his albums I'd brought when I was younger. I barely realized he'd finished the song until I heard him gasping for air through the speakers making my body ache as though he was right behind me, groaning and moaning in my ear. I licked my lips to stop myself getting so affected and downing a mouthful of my Vodka as he leaned down from his stool to picking up his water bottle which he took a mouthful from.

“So how's it going CHICAGO?!” he yelled, replacing the bottle under his stool as the crowd went wild while I meekly clapped not trusting myself to speak.

“Well I have to say it's good to be here. You guys seem so awesome that I'm sure by the end of the show I won't want to leave. Who here wants me to stay?” he asked, with a sly grin though part of me was sure he was looking in my direction despite the rest of the audience cheering loudly.

“Really? Well I might just think about that. Though for now let's just have fun as we play another song. This one is called Pas De Cheval.”

I found myself mouthing the lyrics as my fingertips tapped against my glass, yet the whole time my gaze remained fixed on Ryan like we were the only two people in the whole room and maybe part of me would have preferred it that way. Yet it was obvious that Ryan was born to be on the stage, born to be surrounded by people who adore him and could relate to every word that came from between his lips whether they admitted it or not. Yet just watching him I knew I could never compete with that world that he was so used to. The guys that would do anything to fuck him just once, he could try and promise that he'd never do it again but once he was out of Chicago I knew it would just start all over again. It seemed like he couldn't even stop when he was committed. Keltie was more than enough proof of that. The final bar of Pas De Cheval echoed around the room, followed by the loud applause and cheers.

“So who here has ever met someone who they love so much they'd do anything for?” asked Ryan, shifting on his stool and brushing his fringe out his face. A cheer made its way around the room, though I wasn't a part of it, more of denial than anything.

“Well this next song is about just that. This is......When The Day Met The Night,” he said softly, licking his bottom lip and swallowing as he looked out around him.

I watched him take a glance at the ground of the stage and sigh as the others around him played before pushing a smile on his face and singing the first line. Even as he continued to sing it was obvious that the song spoke about more sides of him than that which he let every fan, every producer and every lover he had of made himself have. It was tragic and I could feel my heart being chipped away by each and every note of his voice that reached my ears. I watched his eyes the whole time and a haunted look seemed to have entered them, which I made a note to ask him about. It worried me and yet scared me at the same time. That the lyrics from one song could reflect the him that he kept tightly under lock and key for his own sanity along with his identity and true sexuality. Finally he finished and the look disappeared back into a smile as he pushed himself up from the stool and stood before the microphone, his gaze back at the audience.

“So who out there listens to Q101?” he asked, causing me to look down at the table as I downed another mouthful of my drink, which seemed to be getting more watered down by the melting ice. I was surprised by how many people cheered around us.

“Wow quite a fan base round here huh? Well the next song was one my friend on Q101 asked me to introduce. So this song is my fave from the album and I hope you guys love it too.” 

He didn't say the title though it became obvious when he sung the fist line that caused squeals and people to sing along eagerly. I downed the last of my drink and kicked Brendon's shin under the table, waiting until he leaned close enough for me to say things in his ear.

“Could you get me another?” I asked, offering my glass to him.

I could see he was about to object but he thought better of it, downed the last of his and took both our glasses as he disappeared back towards the bar. I turned my gaze back to Ryan who was trying to get the crowd to sing the chorus to him. It was really too sweet that I found I couldn't stop myself from smiling as I rested my chin on one hand. He seemed to be having such a good time as I watched him gesture for the crowd to sing louder, which they seemed willingly to do until they were pretty much screaming at him but all it seemed to do to Ryan was encourage him though he began to sing along with them. His voice becoming like a soft angel singling through mirrors shattering.

Finally the last drum beat stopped and the crowd began to cheer as Ryan clapped the crowd encouragingly while walking back to his stool, he let them murmur amongst themselves as he downed some water and look over his shoulder to check the others needed a mini breather. He placed the bottle on the ground as a stage hand passed him an acoustic guitar. I watched curiously as Ryan checked it was in tune before turning his gaze back towards the crowd.

“So who here has heard of my good friend Pete Wentz?” Ryan asked with another grin, as he randomly strummed a melody on the strings. The screams and yells were almost deafening and I saw Brendon grimacing a little as he came back to the table with our drinks.

“Has any of your been to his store clandestine?” he asked.

The screams and yells got a little quieter though it didn't seem to matter to Ryan as he strummed the opening tune to a song I'd heard but couldn't put a title to.

“Well this is one of Pete's older songs. That he did way back in the way. I'm sure he won't mind if I borrow it for tonight,” he grinned with a wink, before he launched into the song.

As it progressed the title came to me and I found myself wondering what significance that song has to Ryan. Was it something he'd loved listening to or was it case of it reminding him of an old ex or back in the days when things hadn't been so complicated. I sipped my drink and watch the other members of the audience swaying back and forth at his acoustic cover of my heart is the worst kind of weapon. I saw Brendon make a weird face as his hand slid into the pocket of my jeans he'd borrowed, he got up as his cell phone was out and I rolled my eyes as he walked in the direction of the toilets as Ryan let the last few chords hang in the air.

“Who liked that and thinks it should be on my next album?” Ryan asked, as the stage hand took the guitar from him. As before the response was deafening and only spurred on by the indecisive look on Ryan's face.

“We'll have to see then won't we? But for the moment back to my current album shall we? This next song is going to be my next released single coming out next Friday. From a mountain in the middle of the cabins.”

The next three songs were perfect as if I was listening to the album on my iPod. The only difference was that I could see the enthusiasm and excitement on Ryan's face, hear the quips and conversation between each song that wouldn't have been the same if my eyes couldn't watch his irresistible features and the way his eyes would light up with every cheer from the crowd. Though when the acoustic guitar appeared again I didn't know what to expect. Part of me was sure it was another cover but it could have easily been another acoustic version of any of his other songs.

“So I know you guys heard my friend Butch Walker's songs of awesome before I came on stage but I bet few of you knew about his little side project with another of my friends Michael Chislett, called 1969. Well I've been privileged enough to hear the album before it hits the web and I love one of his songs on it so much that I want to do a stripped version. Butch, feel up to it?” asked Ryan, looking back stage where Butch soon appeared taking the guitar when Ryan offered it to him.

Butch sat beside Ryan on a stool, the two whispering amongst themselves before they looked back at the obviously curious audience.

“This song is called Wreck me,” said Ryan softly into the Mike, looking at Butch out the corner of his eye.

It seemed like a perfect collaboration as Butch played and Ryan sung, I could only imagine what the fully recorded song would sound like, yet some part of me felt such a deep connection to it that I just wanted to record it on my cell phone and listen to it every night before I went to sleep even if Ryan wasn't there beside me. I found myself watching Ryan intently, trying to memorize everything about him as he sung those words which came so naturally from between his lips like he'd wrote them himself. Finally the song finished even if I wish it never had to and I stood up to applause the both of them as they both got the audience's attention back to the fact the show wasn't completely over. Ryan played the last two songs from the album and I could tell he was trying to seek me out in the crowd before the last song. 

I reluctantly got up and went closer to the front of the stage, crushing myself against the barrier and assuring myself that for one song it wouldn't kill me. I spotted Zack lurking, watched him move towards Ryan, touching his feet as though assuring him I was there.

“Ok, this is the last song of the night guys. It's a cover of one of my favorite songs of all time. By the master of the 1970's to the 1990's. Queen,” he said, causing a smile to appear on my face. I'd told him that night we'd slept together how Queen had always been my little soft spot music wise. He let the crowd cheer as he looked down like he wanted to make sure my presence was there even if he couldn't see me because of the lights.

“This song is one of their less popular but it seems to fit me just fine. You guys be the judges. Jon this one's for you,” he said, murmuring the last few words away from the mike so only I could hear it, I would have missed it if I hadn't.

My gaze moved over his figure as he sung those angelic words. Letting them take over me like a wave, causing me to feel things that part me knew it was dangerous to feel.

_'When I'm not with you  
Think of you always I miss you  
I miss those long hot summer nights  
When I'm not with you  
Think of me always I love you love you  
Hey boy where did you get it from?   
Hey boy where did you go?   
I learned my passion  
In the good old fashioned school of lover boys'_

As he sung those few words and I could feel my heart aching, my grip on the barrier getting tighter as the people behind me pushed like they wanted to be in Ryan's eye line and feel as though he was singing to them. But as the song drew to a close he grabbed the microphone out the stand and knelt at the edge of the stage, reaching his free hand out as he sung the last verse. My ribs were crushed painfully against the barrier as I leaned over it and laced my fingers through his, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

_'Every things all right just hold on tight  
That's because I'm a good old fashioned lover boy'_

Those last two sentences and there was a smile on his face as he squeezed my hand back hard, directing it up to his lips and softly kissing my knuckles. I bit my lip as he winked at me before letting my hand slide out of his and getting to his feet to take his bows and smile at the crowd. I took a last lingering glance at him as he continued to wave and smile before making my way back to the back of the table. I leaned against it and let my heart calm down as I kept looking at Ryan over my shoulder, downing my drink to calm my nerves. 

When they finally left the stage I took a glance at Brendon but needn't have bothered as he grabbed me by the wrist and dragging me to the barrier. Zack let us past and I bit my lip as Brendon continued to drag me after him. Ryan was stood before us chatting with Butch calmly, ignoring Kelte's attempts at getting his attention as he wiped his face with a towel.

“It wasn't that bad of a cover Ry, maybe that should be your next recording,” Butch shrugged, downing a mouthful of water as a blonde female came up to Butch and put her arm around his waist. 

“Maybe we should do an actual recorded collaboration instead? Covers aren't really things I like recording,” smiled Ryan, though his smile widened when he spotted me.

“Sounds good if you get any ideas let me know,” he said, following Ryan's gaze before nodding knowingly.

“I'll leave you to it Ry.” he said before disappearing into the crowd with his girlfriend beside him. Brendon followed the couple, leaving me and Ryan alone though I stil managed to see him collide with Keltie out the corner of my eye.

I watched Keltie give Brendon a dirty look and then her gaze bore into me causing me to look down as she approached us.

“What the hell is he doing here?” she demanded.

“Erm....I think I should go pry Brendon off Butch. I'll be back,” I said, swallowing though Ryan grabbed my arm before I could move an inch.

“I invited Jon and Brendon back stage. Why do you have a problem with that?” Ryan asked, with an acidic tone in his voice that I had never heard from him before.

She opened her mouth to object though I didn't hear anything she spat as Ryan's lips collided with mine. I knew deep inside it was for show but it didn't stop my mouth reacting, by the time we pulled back she was gone.

“Sorry about her, she's been like this all the time we've been together today,” Ryan whispered in my ear.

“It's fine,” I smiled, turning my head so our gazes met.

“So did you enjoy the show?” he asked, softly.

“It was amazing. Better than I could have ever imagined,” I whispered, brushing my lips against the side of his neck.

“Um..I'm glad,” he whispered, breathlessly.

“Seeing your neck open and all marked......made me wish I could do his on stage.” I murmured against his skin, nipping teasingly at his throat and watching his lips open in a silent groan.  
I gave it a teasing nip before putting my arm around his waist to pull him back to reality and remind him where we were.

“Maybe later?” he asked shyly.

“If we can get away. I won't be able to wait too long,” I said with a pout, that made something in his eyes sparkle.

“Oh you can count on us being out of here soon,” he smiled.

I let my fingers trail under the bottom of his shirt and watched his body spring up with a jolt as the chill ran up his spine.

“Ryan, there's a call for you.” A male voice said behind us causing the spell I'd been casting to break and Ryan to give me an apologetic look as he kissed my cheek. I watched him approach a fairly young guy dressed in a casual and yet business like attire. He seemed to be holding a clipboard that Ryan was scribbling on as he took the call.

“I was waiting to see how long it would be before he interrupted,” a sly voice said behind me, causing me to sigh.

“I don't want to know what you mean Keltie.”

“Really? I may only be his girlfriend but even I know the history that Ryan and Chris have.”

“Chris?”

“Chris is Ryan's PA/Manager. He may look young but they've been together since the beginning. And when I say together, I mean _together._ ”

“Ryan told me the hoops he had to jump through to get to the top.”

“You really are dumber than you look you know that? Chris isn't part of the list of guys that Ryan fucked and sucked because he had to. He's part of the list that he wanted to right from the word go.”

I watched Ryan hand the phone back to Chris and murmur something in his ear causing my heart to sink.

“I don't believe you,” I said, my voice filled with denial, but the denial disappeared when Ryan kissed Chris' neck and the other male closed his eyes like that of a forbidden lover.

“Don't believe me now?” she asked, before her presence disappeared from behind me.

I swallowed and tried desperately to stop looking at the two of them but my gaze seemed unable to stop. Finally I made myself look for Brendon, made myself walk away with my back to Ryan when I spotted him chatting to Butch and his blonde girlfriend.

“And there he is now. Jon you know Butch Walker?”

“Er yeah...hi. I loved your music,” I said, stopping myself from looking over my shoulder.

“Nice to meet you Jon,” Butch smiled, as Brendon kept looking over my shoulder like he was keeping an eye on Ryan for me.

“So how are you enjoying touring with Ryan?” I asked.

“It's been fun so far. Ryan is a really inspiring guy. I think we've come up with more songs together and individually on this tour than any other.”

As the conversation continued I tried to pretend like I was paying attention to anything I was asking or any answers he was giving by what Keltie said continued to haunt me. Why Ryan? Why do you keep stringing me along when there is already two people who owns your emotions and your body? Is there anything left for me?


	9. It's like the whole world stops to listen when you tell me you're in love

By the time the after party had finished I just wanted to go home to bed. Yet Ryan seemed intent on my idea from before happening but my heart wasn't in it anymore. All I could think of was seeing Ryan kiss Chris' neck over and over before my eyes. We finally walked out the back entrance, me, Ryan and Brendon, Ryan trying to persuade me to his hotel room again but I felt like it had to be under my terms.....just this once.

“Come to my place pwease Ryan,” I pouted, lacing my fingers with his and dragging him in the direction of a cab.

“But why? Keltie's off with Butch and Tracey and besides you love that bed don't you?” he asked.

“But...I want to fuck you in my bed.....just once,” I pouted even more, bringing his hand up to my lips and teasingly biting the tip of his index finger.

“But..”

“Please?”

I could see his resistance disappearing and his sigh confirmed it, causing me to kiss him as I let Brendon get into the cab first. The drive to mine I was straddling Ryan the whole way and causing more damage to his neck. His hands dug into my back, pulling me closer to him but I kept my back rested against the back of the passenger's seat, teasingly grinding my body against his until he began to beg softly in my ear.

We arrived and I let Brendon pay as I led Ryan by the hand into the building. I knew he wanted to comment on the place but I kept his attention on me as my hips swayed teasingly while I walked up the stairs, his gaze following them like he was mesmerized. His lips brushed my neck as I stood unlocking the door though I kept stalling until Brendon appeared which was harder than I expected.

Brendon took his usual spot on the couch with a blanket amongst my shopping bags, watching an old late night B grade movie, leaving me to lead Ryan by the wrist into the bedroom. He closed the door with his foot as I slipped my shoes off and let his gaze wander as I rummaged through my dresser for a joke present someone get me as a secret Santa a few Christmas' ago, probably Melinda's doing. I'd wanted to get rid of them but Brendon had convinced me not to. I was kind of glad I hadn't, when I found them bundled in a pair of old socks. I stuffed them under my pillow for the right moment and turned my attention to Ryan who was staring at one of my old concert posters I'd stolen from work, sat on the wall beside my mirror.

“Hey, the show is over here,” I joked, grabbing his wrist so he turned around, his arms resting around my waist as my hands rested on the back of his head, deepening our kisses. 

His fingers worked on undoing my studded belt as soon as we laid on the bed, while I pulled his shirt off. Our mouths remained together the whole time, our hips grinding as our clothes began to fly everywhere. I rolled him on to his back once he was completely stripped and my boxers were the only thing left between us. My lips took a detour as my fingers slipped under the pillow and pulled out the blue fluffy handcuffs. I clipped then around one of his wrists and maneuvered the others between the iron rails of the bedframe before clicking the other around his other wrist shut, pulling back when both his hands were done.

“Whoa....I didn't know you were so kinky Jon,” he grinned, as he looked up at me.

“I'm not. I have to ask you something and this way you can't distract me,” I said, faking calm as I straddled his bare lap, brushing his arousal softly.

“Ask me what?” he asked, trying to sit up but failing.

“About you and someone at the party,” I said.

“Oh god, Keltie put you up to this with her bullshit didn't she?”

“Maybe.....maybe not.”

“Look whatever she told you is bullshit.”

“So, you haven't been fucking your manager?”

I saw him bite his lip and shook my head.

“I knew it.”

“No Jon you need to understand. Me and Chris aren't an exclusive couple.”

“But you fuck him?”

“Well, sometimes.”

“Have you fucked him while in Chicago?”

“Not since I met you.”

“But before you had?”

He nodded and I sighed irritably as I let go of him and got off the bed, ignoring his groan of objection.

“Jon come on. I know you're appreciating the view but I'm getting cold.”

“I can't believe this,” I murmured, turning my back to him as I leaned against the dresser, my arms crossed over my bare chest.

“Please Jon, I'm serious.”

“You just don't get it do you?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking or breaking.

I saw him grimace and bite his lip as he tried to sit up again.

“Look, it gets lonely on tour with Keltie flitting all over the place. Chris is just convent.”

“What does that make me?” I demanded.

“You know how I feel about you Jon.”

“No actually I don't. All you've done is fuck me Ryan. That doesn't tell me anything.” 

He sighed and I heard the handcuffs clicking against the metal of the bed's frame like he wanted me to come back to the bed.

“No you can tell me like this.”

“Jon, you know as well as I do that once I leave Chicago I won't be the kind of boyfriend you need. I don't do long distance relationships well and I doubt that is what you want.”

“What are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I love you. I really do but if I'm barely here it isn't the kind of relationship I want to have with you.”

I reluctantly moved back to the bed and sat beside him with my hand on his thigh.

“And have you ever said that to Chris?”

“No. Chris is all about the physical side not the emotional. I admit he'll be pretty pissed at me tomorrow for standing him up tonight...but he'll try and get me to make it up to him in New York.”

“What if I don't want you to?” I asked quietly, meeting his gaze.

“I can try...and stop it. For you,” he whispered, the handcuffs clicking even more.

“What if Keltie dumps you? What will happen then?” I asked softly.

“What makes you say...wait has she said something to you?”

“No to Brendon.”

“I'm not really that surprised but I'll fake hurt when it happens.”

“But what then? You just move on to someone else like her?”

He chewed his bottom lip in thought and I finally removed the handcuffs, throwing them into the bottom of my closet.

“Tell you what. As soon as Miss Priss is out of the picture, I'll be back on your doorstop before you can blink,” he smiled, rubbing the indents on his wrist before pulling me into a hug. 

I reluctantly kissed the side of his neck and let him persuade my body back onto the bed, his fingers grazing under the waist band of my boxers once I was laid on my back. Our kisses got deeper and my hips raised both to meet his and to help him remove my boxers faster. But even as that happened, my nails digging into his bare back when he kissed me hard again, I didn't hear the gasps and quickening breathng, all I heard was those three words he'd said to me, like a magic spell that made each kiss and touch that much sweeter and all the more precious.

_'I love you'_

My hands trailed down his back and his lips grazed my neck and part of me needed to hear him say it again. Just to know it wasn't a fluke or a slip of the tongue.

“Say it again,” I murmured in his ear, causing him to grin as he pulled back from my neck.

“Say what again babe?” he murmured huskily against my own ear, the sound of him calling me babe making my legs wrap around his waist and grind my hips against his.

“Those three words,” I gasped, as the contact between our bodies caused him to cry out. His hands rested either side of my head to steady his body as I continued to arch my back and grind, though he seemed to understand what I meant.

“Not yet,” he whispered hoarsely, as he finally thrust into me causing me to cry out and my nails to dig back into that angelically soft skin in between his shoulder blades. 

My body continued to brush against his continually, my gaze fixed on his face, watching him lick his lips as I groaned every time he entered me, though all I could think about was the look in his eyes when he'd been on the stage, singing that song that would forever remind me of him.  
My lips brushed over the marks I'd made earlier that day, my hands clasped together on the small of his back, slowly sliding down his back as the pace got faster. My teeth would dig into my bottom lip every time he moved inside me and finally his pace continued to quicken. My tongue brushed over his neck seeming to cause a chain reaction as his pace sped up, but finally his hands clasped into fists in the pillow. He cried out and my hips buckled to keep us connected a little bit longer as he came.

His body relaxed above mine, his lips brushed against my neck absentmindedly as my legs remained curled around his waist. My eyes closed until his lips grazed mine softly as though he wanted me to look at him. It took a while for the message to process in my mind but when it did I opened then and saw him smile as the fingers of one hand ran through my hair.

“I love you,” he whispered softly, as my body seemed to melt a little against his. Yet at the same time part of me tensed at those three words, even though I liked the sound of them I didn't know whether to believe there was any truth in them or if it was just another lie like the ones he fed Keltie.

“You can't say that,” I said softly, as my legs slid from his waist when I tried to sit upright.

“But Jon...”

“No. You can't say you love me after we've only been together two days, if you can call fucking around twice that.”

“Why not? I know what I feel and what I feel for you is as real as I'm touching you now,” he murmured, brushing his fingertips up and down my back which really was distracting and caused my body to straighten a little to get him to stop.

“You mean the same way you told me loved Keltie but from what I've seen you treat her like dirt, haven't fucked her for months, making her watch something she obviously doesn't like and not being honest with her about how you prefer guys. Or the way you 'love' Chris? He's nothing but a convient fuck to you when you can't sweet talk someone else into your bed or because you can't say no to him. Honestly you probably use that word so many times that you don't even know what you mean and what you don't anymore,” I murmured, rolling from under him and staring at the poster above my bed as I heard him sigh behind me, his hands rested on my waist.

“Ok I admit that in the music industry love means a lot of different things but what I feel for you is different to all of that. None of what I feel for anyone else compares to this Jon.”

“But you're going to New York tomorrow,” I murmured against my pillow, ignoring the way his hands were tracing my sides slowly by closing my eyes.

“I know,” he whispered, against the back of my neck.

“I'm not coming with you and yet you still claim to love me. That's something I don't understand.” 

“I do love you. But I've already explained why you can't come with me. Besides you have a job and a life here. I'd hate myself for tearing you away from it into a life you would hate and resent me for.”

“It's not much of a life. I go Philadelphia twice a year, interview snobby up themselves celebrities who look down their noses at me once in a blue moon and I try to pretend that I'm something I'm not,” I sighed, pulling the sheets up to my neck so Ryan would stop distracting me wih his touch.

“Being the partner of a musician won't make your life better or you any more happy. Fucking at night in a different hotel room or getting sucked off in airplane bathroom may do it for you but as soon as I get back to LA and hit the studio you'll see what a workaholic I really am. You'd get sick of me in a week," he said softly, pulling the covers down to below my chest.

“You're making excuses,” I sighed.

“No I'm being honest Jon. It would kill me to know I'd torn you away and made you miserable,” he said, resting his hand on my shoulder and rolling me over so I was facing him. I reluctantly met his gaze and felt his hand under my chin as he kissed my lips softly.

When he pulled back he put a finger over my lips and let a small smile appear on his features as he spoke again.

“I love you Jon. You can come up with every excuse in the book but it's the truth. If I had it my way I'd stay here in Chicago with you, getting a crappy job at Starbucks again and laying here with you every night. Or letting you drag me to show after show but I can't. So just....focus on those words.....OK?” he said, brushing his thumb under my chin.

I nodded and bit my lip as I cuddled up to him, resting my head on his chest as he kissed my head softly. We laid like that for a while until all thoughts of the show came back to me. 

“Hey Ryan?” I said meekly, looking up at him and seeing his eyes were closed.

“Hm?”

“What made you pick that Queen song?” I asked, watching him carefully as he opened his eyes and smiled at me.

“well at the prep for the show I was talking to Butch about what covers I wanted to do. He suggested for the Queen one I look through the Queen collection on his iPod. That song really seemed to fit us so I chose it,” he said softly.

“I loved your cover of it. I'm just a little sad that it wasn't record,” I said, biting my lip as I cuddled up to his chest.

“Maybe I'll record it in the future. Especially for you,” he whispered.

“I'd love that...and the cover you and Butch did?”

“Maybe...we'll see how much time I have on tour,” he said slyly.

I pouted mockingly and let him kiss me hard to make a smile appear. 

“We should probably get some sleep,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around me.

I nodded reluctantly and rested my head on his collarbone, kissing the bare skin as his breathing calmed a little. My eyes closed in the darkness after a while though maybe if I'd known what I would wake up to I would have attempted to stay up a little longer.


	10. I will allow someone to love me

The next morning I woke to an otherwise empty bed, a look of confusion on my face as I rolled on to my back cautiously though sure enough he wasn't there. I rubbed my eyes as I sat up expecting to see his clothes on the floor and hear the water pipes but the clothes were gone and it was quiet aside from the sound of the TV outside playing a song. I slid out of bed pulling my boxers on and checking my dresser to see my cellphone had a text message and a note sat beside it scribbled in his handwriting reading ' _I.O.U one home made breakfast - Ryan <3_'

I smiled and picked up my cellphone before walking into the lounge where Brendon had cleared my bags onto the floor and sat covered in a blanket on the couch, watching cartons but as I got closer he was actually sleeping again. I sighed and turn the TV on mute as I sat in the chair. I opened Ryan's message and the good feeling vanished as I stared at it.  
' _Sorry I left before you woke. Chris called at 2am and I had to pack. Will text when I get to NYC. ILYBB xo_ '

The empty feeling I'd never noticed before when I wasn't around Ryan became obvious as I closed the message and put the phone on the chair arm as I hugged my bare legs to my chest. I stared at the TV which showed one of Ryan's music videos making my heart sink into my stomach. I couldn't stay around and watch it. I got up and dressed, keeping the TV on mute as I grabbed my iPod and wallet, leaving my phone in case Ryan called or sent a message. I walked the few blocks to the nearest Deli and Starbucks, ignoring how the smell of coffee reminded me of Ryan. I picked up some essential groceries from the Seven Eleven on the way back to the building though took a detour to the nearest empty building and sitting on the doorsteps surrounded by food and sobbing my eyes out into my knees. The sound of Ryan's voice singing in my earphones not helping my mood at all. 

I felt like I'd lost the other part of me, that he'd been my soul which was now ripped out of me and left me to try and keep going without it. The sound of kids chatting reminded me I had to go back and I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie before getting up. I made sure I had everything before waling back to my building at a snail's pace as every sound of Ryan's voice made more tears gather in my eyes. I finally arrived and opened the door to see Brendon had turned the volume on the TV back on though he seemed to be getting a shower. I put our coffees and food on the counter and put the rest away. I pushed my iPod into the pocket of my hoodie and went to check my phone. Five missed calls from Ryan, one voice mail message and two text messages. The voice mail was probably what made my heart ache the most.

“Jon Babe....I know you're upset that I left you without a goodbye but please pick up. I'm bored here at O'Hare and I was hoping you'd cure it for me. I miss you....love you.”

I deleted the message after I heard it and turned to the texts.

' _Bb mi flights postponed for two hours. Pls call me. ILYBBxo._ '

' _Pls answer my calls bb. I miss you so bad. ILYBB xo_ '

I deleted all his texts even the ones before he left and turned the phone on silent as I turned to my breakfast which I basically just picked at.

“There you are! Did you manage to catch one of Ryan's calls?” Brendon asked, as he sat beside me on the couch.

“I got you a coffee and hash brown from the Deli,” I said, avoiding his question as I tore my croissant to bits in it's bag.

“Jon what's up? It isn't like you to be so hostile.”

“He fucking left at 2am without a goodbye Bren. After all the shit about him loving me how do I even believe that?”

“Erm....ok. What's really on your mind?”

I sighed and threw my packet of Croissant on to the coffee table.

“He's on tour with his manager....who he's been fucking since he got int the music business.”

“And you're afraid he'll forget you?”

I said nothing but heard Brendon sigh.

“Jon, Ryan really likes you I could tell that much. He wouldn't have made so much effort to be around you and get to know you if he didn't.”

“But...”

“No Jon. I can understand why you're so apprehensive after Spencer but Ryan isn't Spencer. You just need to trust he'll do the right thing. He'll probably be back in Chicago after his tour is done.”

“No he won't. He made it clear that he doesn't want me to be with him on tour or off it.”

“He's full of bull Jon. If he told you he loves you he's probably just trying to stop himself from being selfish.”

“Amongst other things. I'm getting a shower.....your food is on the counter,” I sighed, sliding off the couch.

“Jon...”

“Please leave it. I'm tired, I've got work and you need to call Teri before she has another hissy fit,” I murmured, running my fingers through my hair as I walked to the bathroom. 

All the excitement I'd felt when I'd been in that room the night before had disappeared as I closed the door behind me and turned the shower on. I stared at my reflection as I slid my clothes off and my exhausted body began to shake with suppressed tears. As soon as I stood under the water my back rested against the wall and my face buried in my hands. I sunk to the bottom of the shower, the water drowning out my sobs which is just a well I didn't want Brendon to hear them or have the satisfaction of knowing that he was speaking the truth for once. The tears and sobs soon stopped but I didn't feel the least bit better. More a wreck then before. I grabbed a towel to wipe my face before I wrapped it around m waist and collected my clothes. I walked into the lounge on my way to my room, stopping to hear Brendon talking to Teri on the phone.

“I'm serious sweetie. He didn't take it this hard when he dumped Spencer.....I'm worried. I know I shouldn't....I want to but he'll go in anyway.......That works. Ok for girls but guys don't do that kind of thing babe.”

I ignored him arguing with her more and closed my bedroom door behind me as I let my clothes fall out my arms to the floor. My common sense told me I shouldn't go to work. I had my Mom's funeral to worry about despite my brothers assuring me they'd deal with it. I'd still have to go. I felt like I was mentally and emotionally spent. But if I stayed home I'd mope, ignore Ryan's messages and calls which would only make me cry more. At least if I was at work for a few hours I'd have an excuse not to answer my phone. I could collapse and cry more when I got home. I just needed a little bit of breather. I swallowed as I rummaged through my drawers pulling out my most depressing clothes. My baggiest pair of jeans and a large green day T-shirt with an even larger sweatshirt over the top which I'd brought out of comfort. I pushed my feet in my oldest and most battered pair of Chuck Taylors and spent an hour sorting my hair in the mirror. I appeared as Brendon had thrown our barely eaten breakfast in the trash, though he looked at me when he felt me watching him.

“You ready to go?” I asked quietly, ignoring my phone as it flashed with another message from Ryan.

“Not until you call Ryan.”

“Fine I'll go alone. The air might do me some good,” I said, edging towards the door.

“Jon this is stupid just call him,” he said, stopping me with a hand on the shoulder.

“Brendon I know your trying to help but talking to him over the phone won't make me feel better. What I need he can't do and I need to just accept it and move on.”

“I can understand you've taken a lot of blows this week. Your mom dying. The Spencer fiasco and now Ryan leaving but pushing away someone who loves you because they can't kiss you when you want or be there when you need a hug is just dumb.”

“What's worse is knowing that that one who loves you probably fucks around Brendon. Now let's just go.” 

He gave me a look and I sighed as I picked my phone up before giving him one of my own.

“Happy now?”

“Halfway there but fine. Don't want you to be late,” Brendon sighed, leading the way out the apartment. I let myself look at Ryan's message and wished I hadn't.

'Bb we're in NYC now. I miss you already. I'll call you later when you aren't busy. ILY lots xo'

I clicked my phone closed and pushed it into my jeans' pocket as I followed Brendon out the door.

The whole drive to work I pretty much blanked out Brendon's presence let alone his constant nagging about calling Ryan back. On top of that my phone continued to ring every five minuses with Ryan's number flashing on the screen. It began to get on my nerves to the point where I felt like throwing the damned thing out the window by the time we actually go there. I immediately barricaded myself in a cubicle in the bathroom as soon as Teri caught sight of Brendon, distracting him. I'd only just set foot in the door and already I just wanted to go home. A Few texts from Brendon later I was sat in the studio staring at the microphone as Brendon played Mad as Rabbits. I sent him a deadly glare and pushed my phone into my pocket when it stopped.

“So people of the airwaves it's Jon here to fill your lives with music. If anyone went to Ryan Ross' show please call in and tell me your thoughts. Your fave songs etc and I'll replay his interview from Tuesday. But till then here's The Academy is' new song to tide you over.”

Immediately the phone lit up with calls and I sighed, burying my face in my hands. I really couldn't do this. Push happiness in me when all I felt could only be described as heartbroken of the highest degree. My phone buzzed against my hip, something I can never ignore even though my conscience said I should. The number was definitely Ryan's though his text had me more than a little confused.

' _Check your email <3 Ryan._'

I had been so pissed at Brendon's incessant behavior that the mere thought of even checking my email had escaped me. It was usually filled with so much spam that half the time I didn't bother. Despite every sense of rationality in me I gestured for Brendon to play another song as the current one got close to finishing and turned my gaze to the computer, logging in. I ignored the cheesy picture of me and Brendon the the desktop, a few clicks later my inbox was open and I was left to watch it fill with spam, old song requests and screwed up pictures, though one email stuck out above the rest but only because of the subject that read : 'I miss you =('

I opened it and saw a short message and three files sat under the subject.

' _Jon,  
I hate that I've upset you, that I left without kissing you or giving you a proper goodbye let alone letting Chris and Keltie drag me away from you. Every time you didn't answer my calls I began to get worried. I saw this as the only way to get through to you without you blocking me out.  
I recorded three songs for you while we hung around O'Hare. Me and Butch were bored yet he seemed to know I was doing out of love over cash. I'm just glad he had his guitar as hand luggage. Two of them mean a lot to you and one means a lot to me. It's another of Butch's songs.  
So listen to them.....share them if you want. But don't you ever think or assume that I don't care for you. Because I love you more than anything.  
<3_'

My gaze strayed from the message to the three files, my heart catching in my chest at the sight of good old fashioned lover-boy. Damnit it Ryan. Brendon banged on the window and and I reluctantly looked at him and the on air sign lit up.

“So guys.....last night at the show Ryan Ross did a few covers which I have to say I loved. However unfortunately none of them got record. But I've just got an email from Mr Ross with recorded versions,” I paused to stop my vice shaking and swallowed, “I'm going to play one of those songs for you guys now. I hope you love it as much as I do.”

I put the mike close to the computer speakers and doubled clicked on the file titled 'wreck me' The sound of Ryan' eerie toned vice passing through my ears and echoing around me. I forwarded the email to my cellphone and home email address, quietly typing a reply to him.

' _Ryan,  
I miss you too but it hurts that you just left me like that, leaving me to feel used like some kind of whore. I'm listening to your cover of wreck me and wondering when I get to se you again...which I know maybe a while. But a guy can always hope right?  
If you call me later I swear I'll pick up.  
Loving you lots and missing you more.  
xo_'

I clicked send before the song finished and heard Brendon tapping on the glass.

“Jon I have a caller on line three for you, he wants to talk to you off air.”

“But I'm on air.....can't it wait till later?”

I watched Brendon roll his eye and reluctantly pressed three.

“Q101, you're on the air with Jon.”

“Jon.”

I knew that voice anywhere and immediately my heart jumped into my chest.

“Hey you.”

“I asked Bren if I could talk to you off air.”

“I know. Call me back later?”

“I need to talk to you about your email.”

“Wait ten minutes......please?”

I heard him sigh and the click before the empty line buzzed.

“Ok well I have to take a few more calls but first my friend Tom Conrad's new song with his band called Empires called I want blood. Enjoy guys.”

I leaned back in my chair as the on air sign went off and heard Brendon tap on the window again. I looked at him and saw him hold up five fingers. Ryan was back on line five. I picked up the hand set and pressed five, bitting my lip before speaking.

“Sorry about that, I'm not in my right mind today.”

“I can kind of tell. You don't really sound like yourself.”

“Crying does that,” I said softly.

I heard him sigh and the sound of the TV in the background being turned down.

“I'm going to meet some friends in an hour but thought I should make sure you're ok. Obviously you're not.”

“I'll get over it....slowly but surely. Not having a boyfriend beside me when I need him. It'll take time but I know I'm lucky to have you even if you're barely here.”

“Believe me I'm the lucky one.....I just wish I was there to hug you right now.”

“Your lucky? That's crap and you know it.”

“Nope...it's the truth. Anyway I'd better let you get back to work.”

“No.....I so don't want to be here.”

“Come to New York then. You could be cuddling up to me right now.”

“Don't tempt me.”

“Ok tell you what. You get back to work and I'll call you tonight. Tell you how crap my day was.”

“Ok...and I won't tell you about my bad reaction this morning.”

“Deal. Love you Jon.”

Before I could return the words he was off the phone and I sighed as I looked at Brendon who was giving me a look. Him and his looks. As soon as the song finished I pushed a smile in my voice and managed to keep it there for the whole show. Soon it was over and I was putting up with Brendon as I tried to assure him I'd be fine if he went out with Teri that night 

“I mean she'll understand if you want me to stay and do the whole best friend thing.”

“Seriously it's fine. Ryan's going to call later.....hopefully.”

“So your not mad at him then?”

“I couldn't be if I tried. And besides I wasn't mad I was upset. There's a difference.”

“Um hm. Well if your sure. I'm going to take Teri out to dinner and a movie. I'll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Have fun,” I said with a small smile, watching him grab his jacket and slam his locker closed. 

It left me in the room alone so I could remember what Ryan had done to me in there before. But the more I thought about it the more my lips buzzed with an inner ache for him. I bit my lip and grabbed my own jacket before starting the walk to my apartment, needing the air. I spent a good half hour just staring in shop windows at things I couldn't afford on my crappy pay packet. By the time I arrived home it was already dark out and all the repeats of crappy sitcoms had already started. I wasn't really that hungry but made myself a sandwich, sitting on the couch as my laptop booted up. I'd listened to his cover of Good old Fashioned-lover boy at least twenty times before I heard my phone ring.

“So how was work?” Ryan asked, like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to say though there was a slight slur in his voice that told me without asking where he'd met with his friends.

“Not too bad though your call helped a little. How was your day?” I asked, turning down the volume on the TV.

“Ok aside from my flight being delayed, my luggage being in Denver and I'm still sharing a bed with Keltie.”

“How about Chris?”

I heard him pause before he replied.

“Chris is pissed with me at the moment. He tried to get me to meet him in the bathroom on the plane for a quickie. When I didn't show.....he buried himself in paper work and bookings for the next few venues.”

“Ah.”

“He always gets shitty when he can't have what he wants. I'm sure he'll find someone else.”

“Client wise or social wise?”

“Haha.”

I smirked and ran my fingers through my hair.

“I'm guessing you had a good time out with your friends?”

“Just a little. Gabe and Travis had to leave early because of their ladies and the others were too tired from recording all day. I had a few drinks with Butch after they left and came back to talk to you before I sleep.”

“You didn't have to do that.”

“Yes I did.”

“You must be tired, just go to sleep.”

“No....I have to promise you something first.”

A frown appeared on my face. For a moment I was sure that whatever he was going to say was the impact of whatever drink he had been downing over the night. That would mean nothing and yet I was definitely pleasantly surprised.

“I promise you that no matter where I am I'm going to keep in touch with you. I'm going to send you things and email you every day. And One day I'm going to come back and see you. And I'll never leave you again.”

“It's all good to promise but..”

“No. Jon I mean it. I really.....really mean it.”

I didn't know what to say. Part of me believed him and yet part of me was sure it was just another lie. But in honesty maybe I just wanted to hold on to that promise. To believe that one day he would come knocking at my door with his designer luggage beside him and his arms wide, reaching out to me. That he would take me in his arms, hug me tightly and whisper “This time it's real Jon. This time no-one can take me away from you.” as he kissed my forehead before backing me inside and fucking me against a wall.

“Jon.....are you there?” Ryan's slightly slurred voice asked, from the other end of the phone. I heard the thud of the hotel bed as he fell back on to it and the mattress creak as he rolled on to his side.

“Yeah.....I'm here babe. And I'll still be here as long as that promise is valid.”

“That's good to know,” he smiled.

“now why don' you go to bed?” I asked, laying down on the couch and staring at my laptop's screen.

“I'll call you tomorrow.....when you're not on air.”

“I'll look forward to it.”

“Nite Jon....I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I heard the click as he hung up and smiled as I put my cell phone to one side, picking up my iPod which I'd put the three songs that Ryan had recorded on and put the earphones in my ears as I pulled the cover over me. Though the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep was the one song that Ryan had said meant a lot to him and I could see why. 

_'Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.  
and think about the good things, no matter what they say,   
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,   
one day at a time.'_


	11. I never thought that you would be the one to make me swoon...

Since that night when Ryan promised me that nothing was going to make him stop loving me or keep him from me we inevitably had our ups and downs. Not long after he moved on from New York to Pennsylvania rumors began to circulate everywhere that Ryan was seeing someone else besides Keltie. There was always speculation about who it was, a new musician wold be named dropped with him in every tabloid and every celebrity news show and yet when I mentioned it to him he'd laugh it off.

“Babe,” he'd say, “no rumor is true, besides I love you and only you remember?”

That was often what he said every time, using his love for me as a reason or in his mind reassurance but for me it began to get old really fast. I would try and push the issue more and more but then he began to make up excuses for him to leave. But as he moved on to New Jersey the rumors became more vicious as someone from his hotel in Toronto began to talk to the press about all the guys she saw coming and going from his room which made things worse. Chris became a miracle worker being able to stop her from telling anymore of Ryan's secrets or habits. Though I hate to imagine what kind of bargain Ryan had to make with Chris to make it happen. Sex would indefinitely be involved despite how much Ryan would tell me it was over between them. Was it really so wrong of me not to believe him for that?Though at that time my mind was so preoccupied with my mother's upcoming funeral that every phone call Ryan made to me I wasn't exactly the best company or the perfect boyfriend. He continued to keep me up to date with everything but I'd be biting my lip on the other end of the phone to stop myself from crying. Finally one call when there was silence I began to cry.

“Babe what's wrong?” he asked, concern in his voice.

“I have to fly to Philadelphia tomorrow for my mom's funeral,” I managed to say through my tears, yet I was surprised that he understood me. Not even my own family are able to understand me when I was like that.

“Oh Jon I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. I must seem so superficial and stupid.”

“No. I love you for keeping my mind off everything.”

“Is Brendon going with you?”

I shook my head as though he was stood in front of me and heard him sigh at the other end as though even with my silence he knew the answer and he didn't like it. I could understand why but I knew that asking for him to come to my mum's funeral with me was a long shot. So I did the thing that every boyfriend of a famous musician would do. I lied.

“I'll be fine. My brothers and dad will be there,” I said softly.

“....but you wish I was going with you,” he said, partly questioningly and partly stating a fact.

“What are you a mind reader now?” I asked, wiping my eyes with my sleeve to hide the surprise in my voice. 

“I could come you know.Put my tour on hold a few days and meet you there.”

“No. Really. I'll be fine besides what would Chris say? Anyway I've got to pack. I'll call you when I get back.”

But when I arrived at Philadelphia international airport and saw him stood there with Zack, holding his bags behind him and no Keltie in sight I have never been so relieved in all my life. I dropped my own bags to the floor and ran at him like a child who hasn't seen an aunt or uncle for a year. I could feel him smiling as he kissed my neck and rested his arms around my waist reassuringly. I can't remember how long we just stood there hugging but my body seemed to make my conscience realize that it wasn't a dream. I couldn't have dealt if it had been a dream. 

Zack ended up picking up my luggage at Ryan's request and leading the way to where a cab was waiting for us out front. The driver looked like he was having a heart attack at the fact he was going to be driving a famous musician like Ryan around. Though Zack got in the front and had a chat with the driver as though to remind him the terms and conditions of driving Ryan around. In honesty I can't remember much about the drive to my parents place, just burying my face in Ryan's neck and the feel of his lips on my head every so often like he was trying to make it all better. God how I wish he could have made it all better. 

When we arrived my Dad and brothers were all a little surprised that I had brought someone along but they all were polite with Ryan and didn't push too much about our relationship. At least not when he was around anyway.

“So have long have you been fucking Ryan Ross?” asked Mike as me, Bill, Mike and Dad sat around the kitchen table having coffee and catching up. Ryan was up in my old room making some phone calls.

“Michael,” Our dad said in a warning tone.

“No come on Dad he barely tells us anything since he flitted off to Chicago,” said Mike.

“I didn't flit I was pushed,” I sighed, glad Ryan wasn't here to hear this.

“So how long?” asked Bill.

I looked at Dad and saw him looking at the table. He'd never been good with my being gay and I half expected him to walk out when they mentioned it but instead he sighed and gestured for me to go ahead.

“We haven't been together that long. About.....two months since I dumped Spencer,” I said, looking into the depths of my coffee.

“And how is he?” asked Mike, him and Bill laughing when I blushed.

“Ugh see this is the reason I asked him not to come in the first place,” I said, getting up from the table and putting my cup in the sink.

“What? You're ashamed of us?”

“Of course I am! For the love of god you guys. Every time I come home you ask me about my life and take the piss out of me. Mom was the only one who actually cared. And now she's gone I'm stuck with you. Doing the same thing every Christmas and thanksgiving,” I said, shaking my head before walking out the back door. 

I sat on the porch because of the rain and buried my face in my knees as I heard the kitchen door creak open and slam closed. I didn't expect to feel someone sitting down beside me or a hand resting on my back, causing me to look up. I was a little surprised to see Ryan sat beside me.

“Hey,” I said softly as Ryan brushed my hair out of my face.

“I hope you don't mind. I asked your Dad where you were and he said you'd usually come out here when there was something bothering you,” he said, brushing my cheek with his hand.

“No....it's fine.”

“So what's bothering you?” he asked, letting his arm wrap around my waist and pull me close to   
him, my head resting on his shoulder.

“My family's attitude to me being gay. My mom was always the one who was so supportive....who I could call when things were going wrong. And now she isn't here....I'm stuck being questioned by my homophobic brothers and my father who doesn't know what to do with himself,” I sighed.

“They care about you Jon that's all. They just, don't know how to show it with your sexual preference being so different to their own,” he said.

“I know....I just wished they would show it differently instead of making me feel like a freak not to mention being such back stabbers. Is that so much to ask?” 

“Jon.....when I first told my mom I had feelings for a guy she freaked. My dad had already died and I was pretty much alone, left to try and figure out my feelings. It isn't wrong just because you want to fuck guys as opposed to girls trust me.” 

“I know. If I was repressing myself I never would have met you.” 

One glance at the smile on his face and he was probably just as grateful as I was because of that one fact. His hand traced over my cheek again as he guided my lips to meet his. That kiss was one of the softest and yet the most passionate I had ever felt before. All I could think was how lucky I was to be with someone who loved me, someone who would do anything to make sure I was happy and to numb my pain.When he pulled back I let a smile appear on my face as my gaze met his. I heard the door behind us open and the person who opened it hesitated like they didn't want to disturb us.

“Yes?” I sighed, not looking over my shoulder.

“Jon.....we need to get ready to go,” My Dad said softly behind me.

I felt Ryan look over my shoulder at my father and nod as though to assure him we'd be getting ready soon. It seemed to assure him a little as I heard the door close.

“Come on babe, you can't keep your family waiting,” Ryan said, kissing my head softly to assure me.

I bit my lip as I stared at the rain drenched garden before looking at Ryan and nodding. He got up first, taking my hand and helping me to my feet. His arm rested around my waist as he led the way into the house. The two of us spent a while getting changed into suits in my room, Ryan taking the odd glance over his shoulder as though expecting me to break down but one thing I had made myself promise was I wasn't going to cry in front of Ryan no matter how hard it was to bear. But as I was trying to do my tie he seemed to sense my frustration and turned me around to face him, taking the tie from me and putting the tie over the upturned collar.

“Jon....sweetie I want you to promise me something,” he said, as his musically talented fingers manipulated the material of my tie nimbly into a secure yet loose knot.

“Erm ok,” I said, my tone filled with a little confusion as my fingers tried to sort out my hair into an even parting.

“I want you to promise me you want hold back. If you want to cry then cry, I'm here to support you not to hold you back from letting your emotions flow,” he said softly, folding the collar down over the tie.

“What.....but....”

“Babe when I was at my Dad's funeral after all the crap he gave me and stuff I couldn't cry. I just stood there and stared at the mound of dirt covering his coffin, knowing I should feel something and hating myself when I didn't. For you to cry over your Mom and to let your feelings show is normal....part of the grieving process. I don't want to take that away from you,” he said softly, kissing my forehead and letting his fingertips graze over my cheeks.

I swallowed and nodded as I did the buttons on my jacket.

“So if you want to cry.....or go down memory lane. I'm here for you,” he said.

I met his gaze again and a smile appeared on my face as I grabbed him by the tie and pulled his lips to mine. I found my body steering his up against the edge of the dresser and grinding my hips against his. His hands rested on the small of my back, pulling me closer as our kisses deepened and my breathing turned into desperate gasps. My need to feel his skin slowly began to take it's hold on me and I was trying to pull out his shirt when his hand grabbed mine around the wrist. He pulled back and shook his head.

“No......not now. Sex at a funeral is so clichéd,” he murmured, letting his lips brush against mine before he slid from between me and the dresser. I watched him sort his clothes out and turned my back on him, distracting myself with brushing invisible dust off my suit and straightening up everything sat on my dresser.

My Dad called up the stairs that it was time to go and I turned to look at Ryan who had just finished putting his tie back in place. He smiled and took my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as he let me lead the way out the room. We reached the front hallway where Dad was stood holding the door open with two closed umbrellas in his hand. A glance outside and it was obvious why, the rain had worsened since we'd been outside. I let Ryan take the umbrella and lead me out to the porch as he opened it. The two of us walked to the car, still getting a little wet as the wind blew the rain in our direction. 

The drive to the church was awkward and even the music that Mike persuaded Dad to play didn't seem to keep it at bay. I was just glad when we arrived, Our hands holding on to the umbrella together as we walked, a comfort though no more than his presence beside me. The whole way through the funeral he hugged me, hushed me and kissed my forehead as I broke down. It only got worse when we reached the cemetery. I couldn't stop crying and ended up clinging tightly to Ryan the whole time that the Vicar was speaking. Even when we got home with the other members of the family and many of my Mom's friends I couldn't seem to calm down. Ryan ended up taking me up to my room early to calm me down. 

He was the one who undressed me, the one who settled me under the sheets before changing for bed himself and lying beside me. He held me and let me keep crying, wiping my eyes with a tissue when I couldn't find the strength or will anymore. When I found myself unable to sleep he sung to me softly in the dark as I curled up to him and let my eyes close. 

When I woke the next morning unlike before when he left for New York he was still there. But one glance at his face and the sound of Zack knocking at the bedroom door and I knew he had to leave soon.

“Thanks for being here with me,” I whispered, as he brushed my hair out of my face.

“I'm always here when you need me,” he said softly, kissing my lips. I rested a hand on the back of his neck and made him deepen it which he did willingly, though pulled back before the point of no return.

“I really need to go babe. I'll call you when I get to Richmond.”

I nodded and smiled as he kissed my forehead before getting out of bed.

I laid there and watched him get dressed, stuffing all his clothes into his suitcase. It was like he had got so used to doing that ritual so many times that over time it had just become another thing like touring around or sleeping in a different bed every night even if he was alone the vast majority of the time while Keltie made a name for her self without him. Soon Ryan was packed and waving at me from the door before Zack ushered him down the stairs leaving me alone to stare at the ceiling in my room.

It was an hour before I pushed myself out of bed, dressed myself in the same clothes that I'd worn after Ryan left and walked downstairs. Dad was making breakfast while Mike and Bill sat playing with their food. I turned down his offer of food, pouring myself some coffee before walking out to the porch and staring at the tree that sat in the middle of the garden. I let the coffee keep my hands warm and let the memories take me over. Those nights that me and my mum would sit under the branches when it was raining and she would teach me about the stars during the summer. Now I would never get to hear her voice again or feel her arms wrapped around my body, hushing me when I had a bad break up or lost my job. No. I had Ryan and in a way he was just as good if not better. I just wished that they had got to meet each other before she passed away.

A couple of days later I was back at the airport hugging my Dad before I got on my flight back to Chicago. The whole flight all I could think about was Ryan and what a mess he had potentially caused with the tabloids and his fans. The result would be another bargain that Ryan would have to make with Chris for sex. The mere thought causing my stomach to churn. As expected the media aftermath of Ryan canceling a show to come and spend that time with me was awful and on top of that Keltie dumped Ryan after finding out where he'd been. She packed and went back to LA without him though from what I can tell and what Ryan told me months later he didn't let it bother him and I have say I was definitely relieved. 

Though when his tour finished months later and he went back to L.A to work on another album his answer machine and voice mail box seemed to be the ones I was having the relationship with. Every time I called I'd get the same message, and it got to the point where I could actually hear that same message echoing in my head. Brendon began to try and encourage me to move on even though I continued to tell him that my heart was stuck on Ryan and I had promised him that I would always be that way no matter what. Ryan called for Christmas and my birthday, sent gifts both times and then emails began to appear in my inbox at home with songs attached that soon became regulars in my iPod.

Then a year to the date that I first bumped into him at work I was sat in my apartment ignoring the sounds that Brendon and Teri were making in the spare room while I tried to catch up on a new TV program I got hooked on. If only being gay was as amusing and simple as they made it out to be. I heard the knock at the door and was sure it was the chinese I'd ordered. I grabbed my cash from the coffee table and pressed pause on the DVD remote before going to the door. But when I opened it the cash dropped to the floor in shock as my eyes widened. There stood Ryan with a red rose in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Ryan......what are you doing here?” I whispered in shock when I spotted his bags at his feet. No...this has to be a dream......it couldn't possibly mean.....

“Hey babe.....I'm home.” he whispered.

**_Fin._ **


End file.
